So now you're at college, and class is really stressing you out man, and all you want is a good bowl of your favorite psychoactive herb. Problem is, you got stuck with the room right next to the RA, and he looks like a mean motherfucker. So what do you do? Don't fret, you can still get high. Just be sure and take these precautions before you toke.

1. Hiding Spots: The first thing any true stoner does when entering a new residence is find all the possible hiding spots. Many common spots include inside vents or HVAC systems, above lights, above ceiling tiles, or under desks, beds, etc. The problem with these type of spots is that they are often the first place someone will look if they want to find something. Many universities allow RA's or other authority figures to go through the furniture provided, and some even have provisions for going through your own belongings, so these are not ideal places either. Check your universtity's policy about room searches and privacy law. I find that the best places are inside electronics, especially speaker cabinets, computers, and some stereos. I would recommend putting your weed and pipes in a tupperware container first, so the heat produced especially by a computer doesn't affect them. In any case, the ideal hiding spot is somewhere easily and quickly acessible, yet not immediately obvious.

2. The Smell Factor: Obviously, weed smells. Whether it smells good or bad generally depends on whether you use it yourself, but it is hard to explain away weed smell. It is very distinct, and almost everyone who has been in college for any length of time at least knows the smell. It is also one of the few markers that you are high, and not just tired with dry eyes. So, it follows, to not get caught, control the smell.

A. Whatchoo smokin? Blunts smell more than joints, which smell more than bongs and pipes, which smell more than one-hitters, which smell more than eating it. Of course, if you're going to eat it, you have to bake it, and that smells too. One-hitters are the best, since practically all the smoke is drawn through the pipe and into the lungs. Blunts, since they typically use the most weed, and also because they use tobacco paper, tend to produce the most smell. Schwag tends to produce a more acrid smoke that non-smokers associate more with weed, while nugget can run the gamut from stinky as hell to smelling like roses.

B. Sealing your room: There are basicaly two ways of doing this; the towel and the tape. A towel under a door is usually effective, but if not rolled correctly, it is very visible under the door, and suspicious. Also, your towel is on the floor, getting dirty. Taping the edges of the door will completely seal off the room, but it is time consuming to apply, time consuming to remove, and very suspicious. There is no good reason to seal off your door with tape other than to keep smell out of the hallway. Also, to get in or out will require muscle strength and a tolerance to ripping sounds.

C. What to do with all that smoke: The first and most obvious method is to have an open window and a fan. This method is generally low risk, as fans are something almost anyone could have, and unless you're on the first floor, it's hard to pinpoint the source of a smell or to see someone blowing their hit through the fan. Another idea is to make a spoof, also called a blow-buddy. This is basically a carboard toilet paper tube with wadded up dryer sheets inside, and another dryer sheet secured over the top. Smoke blown through the open end of the tube exits smelling like weed-scented dryer sheets, and it will generally be enough to cover the smell. Old dryer sheets can let more smell through, so be sure and change them. A similar, though less effective, method is to spray the inside of a tube with cologne or body spray and blow through it. Also, you can blow your hit into a relatively thick bit of cloth, like a pillow or matress. This will leave a large brown stain though, so it is not recommended. Also, the longer you can hold the smoke in your lungs, the less smoke and smell is let out into the room. This is known as zeroing, and it is hard for an inexperienced smoker, but usually becomes easier as people get used to holding the smoke in to get higher.

D. Spray and Pray: Keep a smell spray on hand to spray during or after the smoke session. The stronger the better. Especially recommended are Febreeze Air Effects, Glade Spray, Axe, and Old Spice Red Zone. I personally use the Red Zone. I find that it completely kills the smell. Cologne works, but generally it is expensive and doesn't cover the smell very well.

E. Other Smokes: Most, if not all universities have policies against having lit incense, scent release candles, or cigarettes in the room. Nevertheless, it is generally more forgiveable than marijuana. Especially if you are already a cigarette smoker, you can make the excuse that you just smoke so many cigarettes that you and all your belongings stink to high heaven.

3. Noise Basically, not everyone loves Phish, especially when it's playing at 3AM with the knobs turned to 11. Listening to music while high is great, talking with friends while high is great, laughing your asses off while high is great, but it's all loud, and it all attracts attention, which is exactly what you don't want.

4. OH SHIT OH SHIT OH SHIT! So that ominous knock on the door was followed by a voice announcing your doom. What do you do? First off, especially if you are alone (although this can work with two people as well) tell them you have to get dressed. This will give you a minute or two to hide shit. DO NOT bang dresser drawers or anything else while hiding shit. They don't need to know you opened or closed anything. Spray something to kill any smell, apply eyedrops if you have them, then open the door. The quicker you can do this the better, since you don't want it to look like you're stalling them. If you know how to lie, do it and keep on doing it. Nothing they say should make you change your story. If you don't know how to lie, don't try unless you have to. It'd better to act dumb, and maybe pretend you were sleeping so you have an excuse for being slow. Above all, if you can avoid it, never give them permission to search your room. This goes for if you're not smoking also, since it is better to establish a policy of privacy

Good Luck, and Happy Smoking!

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