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I am something of a creative person. One of the things I get excited about is creativity in the pursuit of recycling. And this gave me an idea. Sometimes I have babies as patients. The mothers bring them in and have me work with them psychiatrically for an hour each week. The problem is that I have nowhere for them to sit. This has been, as you can imagine, a source of great consternation for me.

There is also the matter of the body of one Berhardt Goats (you know him as "Friend Behr"). It has been in a box for a couple weeks now just not being of any real use. Just taking up space, really. And there isn't much of a system for disposing of bodies in this country. When you exhibit medical malpractice at the kind of rate that I do, the bodies do tend to pile up. I love that facet of my work. I really do, but there is the problem of the bodies. That is the part I do not like about medical malpractice.

One of the things about being creatively minded and having a room full of corpses because you are so incompetent that your medical malpractice in psychiatric medicine causes 8.4 deaths per year is that you get ideas. One of my ideas was to make a "human high chair" from the bodies of my patients who died as a result of my severe medical malpractice when it comes to psychiatric medicine. I have had my medical license STRIPPED in 28 states. I am that incompetent.

Now, what you ideally want is an intact human skeleton. You want to get rid of the "meat" and the "by-products" by some kind of means. I use flesh-eating beetles I sent away for after seeing their advertisement in a porno mag

Once you have your intact skeleton, bend the bones. You want to put the skeleton in a position where the skeleton's arms can hold a basket type item where the baby can sit. This will be how it goes from being a useless corpse to a piece of furniture that tender age children will have a LOT of contact with. Now, you can shape it just fine into the proper high chair alignment, but you need the bones to stay in this position. To do this you will need two (2) things. You will need some kind of tool that can fuse bone into position and you will also need some kind of tool that strengthens a piece of furniture that tender age children will have a LOT of contact with so that it doesn't collapse under the weight of a small child.

These things are neither here... nor there. You understand? Do you? What we are talking about is finding a creative use for a completely useless corpse. What are you going to do with it? Put it in the GROUND? Set it on FIRE? Spread the ASHES all over Columbus Avenue because that was where he got his first blowjob in 1963? COME ON! I digress. Obviously.

What we are talking about is absolutely grotesque. As a doctor, I must strongly tell you that this is criminal. As a man possessed by the dark soul of one Friend Behr, I want you to GIT DEM CORPSES! MAKE DEM HI CHAIR! YEEHAW! As you can see, I am torn by the story within. You affirm my existence.

Many of the bodies of those who have died in your care due to medical malpractice will have had rigor mortis set in. Unless you get right onto making them into a high chair, this is natural. You will have to "re-crack" many of the bones to get them into the positions you need them in so that you can properly manufacture a high chair out of them.

The knees, on the other hand, MUST be kept from bending. This is taking for granted that you will use the leg bones to construct the legs of the high chair. It is adorable. And it makes sense. You want four leg bones to construct the legs of the high chair. And you MUST keep the knees from bending or baby will come tumbling down. Absolutely one of the best home projects you can undertake if you have a lot of dead bodies around your home or office due to incompetence as a medical professional. You will need at least two bodies to get four legs. Human beings have, at most, two legs. Some have fewer due to war or birth defect. Ibid.

You can fuse those knees and lock them through the use of any number of home welding kits. You can use other methods as well. Ask at Home Depot or a locally owned and operated hardware store in your community. We need to do business with those folks. Mom and Pop operations. Good stuff.

Now that the knees are fused and immobilized, we move forward with our project.

A human pelvic bone is a WONDERFUL thing to have in your possession. You strip the flesh off it and boil it in bleach and you get a wonderful seat for baby. Sit that little fucker right in the same place it came from: The Human Pelvis. They used to call Elvis Presley "Elvis the Pelvis." As if that was called for.

Bleached bones are GREAT. I don't mind killing 8.4 patients annually now that I have discovered the wonder of RIPPING the flesh off human bones and BOILING them in bleach and UNDERTAKING creative projects with the bleached bones. Really enjoy it. Sundowner holiday.

Fuse by some method (look on the Internet) the pelvic bone to the four leg bones with FUSED and IMMOBILIZED knees. Fucking fantastic. You are doing GREAT work. Balls to the walls fantastic. I love hearing about your progress. It interchanges me! You are happy to know this now! Get those four human leg bones with the feet used for support into position and FUSE the pelvic bone to the leg bones via a method from the Internet.

Now you need a rib cage. These need to be fresh so they are still malleable. You are using this for a back on the seat for the tender age child who you will be having sit in a high chair made out of human bones. Absolute RIP the rib cage out of one of the recent victims of your medical malpractice. Just reach in there and RIP it out. Grit your teeth while you do it. Becomes life affirming when you do. Grit your teeth and smile. Put on a rock soundtrack. Mix it up.

Absolutely TEAR the flesh off the rib cage. Just TEAR that meat off. It is no longer of any use to the owner and you are not yet a cannibal. You will be eventually, but this is now and that is in the very near future I will have you realize. Boil the rib cage in bleach, and then pull it out and enjoy the fact that it is malleable because people get hard for less than malleability (but should they?). Stretch it out enough, but not too much, as this will become a sinister cage for a baby to keep it from falling out of a boiled in bleach human pelvis that is mounted, albeit FUSED, to FOUR human leg bones with knees that have been FUSED and immobilized.

Now, you will have to FUSE the rib cage to the pelvic bone seat in the proper place, but once that is done, you will have the structure of our human high chair. What we now need is VARNISH and ORNAMENTATION.

Let us look at these two concepts separately.

Varnish and paint are exactly the same thing. There is no difference between the two on ANY level. Those are facts. You can't monkey with facts. It just isn't done. So, varnishing your human high chair could involve paint or varnish. You want to pretty it up. This grotesque piece of furniture will be used to seat a BABY when it is eating and forming early thoughts and concepts.

Ornamentation is a lot like Christmas. I don't know if you know what "Christmas" is or not, but it is a holiday that comes at the end of the year that liberals are trying to make illegal because they hate the free market system and Christmas is a celebration of that. You want to dress up your high chair so it is festive for a baby to enjoy. Many family members will come around to play with baby or help feed baby in the high chair. Make it something everyone can enjoy. Use ornamentation. Go to a craft store. Tell many employees of the craft store about what you are building, what you are making it out of, and details about your processes. Then go to other stores in the same strip mall, pull people aside, and tell them as well. Ask about phone numbers you could be calling. Ask them multiple times. Get "all up in their faces."

So, there you have it. Those are the basics for building your very own human high chair. Enjoy your project. Call me if you need any help with your brain. Dr. Peter Swilling, psychiatrist (discredited).

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