I am full of pretense, I am an empty front, trembling within. Don't be fooled by the way I hold myself, the way I talk, the firm tilt of my head. I am lost, I know nothing.

I am fumbling my way through this life, a tangle of conflicting desires and random decisions, tripping over my feet in haste to get there from here. Are you lost, little girl? Oh, and how. There is never a point that you get to and say: Today is the day. I am here. There is always somewhere else, always another target, and when you get there the goal has been moved, or it wasn't the goal at all.

It happens like that, I make my awkward way from one day to the next, sometimes just waking and breathing takes all my effort and concentration, sometimes I need to move all day and I can't outpace my thoughts. It happens.

I don't understand much of what's going on, I have to learn how to sit, and let things happen; I have to remember that I'm not supposed to understand, I have to concentrate on my balance, I am not going to fall, I am still so lost, I am still confused, I am still doubtful, but I'll manage somehow, because everyone else seems to be okay, and I don't want to crumple behind my facade.

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