Council of Nicaea, in the late 300s or whenever. They declared that Jesus was both fully human and fully divine. No more arguing. No more goddamn heresy. This is how we're doing it from now on people. Don't like it? Don't think it makes any logical sense? Want us to explain it? Fuck you, say a hundred Hail Marys and whip your back twenty times.

Ah, but here in the Year of Our Lord 2022, I CAN prove that Jesus was both fully human and fully divine. And it all has to do with that damned fig tree.

You know the one, right? It had no fruit on it so Jesus cursed it and said it would have no fruit forever. Hasty parable about having faith, yadda yadda, clearly spin-doctoring that fact that Jesus got mad and acted like a jerk. The fig tree was out of season, dude, come on.

The whole thing is a fully human act. Incredibly petulant.

And yet, the good Lord Adonai Yaweh Eluhenu El Shaddai, creator of the Earth and the Heavens, ruler of everything, God of Abraham, Isaac and Jacob, the guy who numbers every hair on your head and listens when you pray for success in the Super Bowl, ALSO did an incredibly petulant thing. He decided to destroy Judah because King Manasseh was being evil and idolatrous, and then when King Josiah found a lost book of the Torah, reformed the entire Hebrew religion and cleaned up the country's entire act, God was like "Yeah, nah, I already decided to destroy you guys, sorry."

Very petulant! But. If God does it, it must be divine.

So Jesus being a brat was simply emulating his own father. Ergo, fully human, fully divine.

Now, that would imply that your own child who is being a brat is also being divine, which is not exactly the case, and I will explain that at length in a thousand-page essay to be published at an undetermined date, so sorry, still working on it.

...Chord tags me in, practising Christians should probably look away now or prepare to be offended.

It's a bit sad that you can spend 14 years in avowedly Catholic educational institutions and find later that they kind of left out the good bits. Must be a tough job, teaching young people to be Christian, while carefully avoiding actually critically engaging with the material. There's some interesting stuff in the Bible, makes you wonder what ended up on the cutting-room floor. However, all is not lost, it is still possible in some parts of the world to dispute priests without entering a church, and some of them will even get the round in.

Anyway, to business, a proof of the dual nature of Jesus.

The divine bit is easy. Jesus explicitly refuses to identify himself with God, referring to himself as "Lamb of God", "Son of Man" etc. Jesus also is pretty clear that every miracle he performs as coming from God, through him, by faith. People often forget that Peter walked on water too, until he got scared and lost faith. As Chord rightly noted, the "divinity" of Jesus was carried by a popular vote of about 300 old rich men who directly benefitted from the decision at the Council of Nicaea in AD325.

But wait, I hear you think, does this tend to prove divinity of Christ? No, that was all context, I think that the commonplace notion of divinity is complete bollocks. I say this as a person who finds value in the study of religion. There is no man in the sky who cares what we eat and drink and fuck. It's hard enough getting children to believe that rubbish, why bother? Monotheistic religious texts often emphasise that "divinity" is essentially ineffable, mysterious, incomprehensible to our human minds....then later comes contradictory dogma.

"Divinity" is from the Proto-Indo-European root for "shining, of the sky". We are all shining (although perhaps not all the time), and we are all of the sky, and to the sky we shall return.

The human bit is more interesting. There are many faces of Jesus, you've got your Baby Jesus (at Christmas), your Smart Mouth Kid Jesus, Angry Young Man Jesus, Hippy Jesus (Subcategory - Wilderness Jesus is my personal favourite), Social Justice Jesus, Jesus on the Cross, and finally Space Jesus. Can we sift these and find evidence of a human? I believe we can.

First miracle, water into wine, wedding at Cana. One of my favourite scenes in the Christian Bible.

Mary - "They have run out of wine"

Jesus - "Woman, why do you tell me? My time is not yet come"

Mary (to servants) - "Do whatever he tells you"

This, dear reader, is good writing. What a perfect moment of understanding between mother and son. I can see the eyebrows of Mary as she regards her boy, I can hear the exasperated intonation of the son. If this were me and my mum, she would have reacted to those words exactly the same way. Mary knowin', wine comin'. I don't care if that really happened or not, those are humans on the page. QED.

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I'll probably have to do something on Wilderness Jesus and Jesus on the Cross now. Hope you like it, Chord.

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