Why would someone create a nodeshell just to mock me.
I thought this would be my chance! The man said that he viewed this as a learning opportunity for me. I embraced the challenge with eager and open arms. I told him I would do it. That I would have to study up. That I would innovate. That I would happily remain in the shadow of this genius boy who's concept had already all but been chosen, if to just be given this chance to learn.

I knew that mine would never travel farther than the walls of our studio, everyone knew that, even the man. He shrugged, charitably breaking me off a little something anyway. Throwing me a bone. Presenting me with a test. I stepped up, leaning only slightly to one side to avoid the onslaught of condescension and ducking to surpass the bar they had positioned for me. I knew I could move it higher if the man would let me complete this task.

I didn't expect mine to be chosen. It would be my first, ever. Mine was to be practice. To be proof that I could accomplish such a task, could even be relied upon for it in the future. I gulped, filled with inspiration. This was to be the beginning of a new level of greatness for me. I was confident. I wanted to blow the man's mind.

I had worked all night on the preliminary viewing. Agonizing over single pixels. Searching the farthest reaches of my vault of color theories. Scrutinizing the objective width of the line between the outlandish and the revolutionary.
Genius boy himself had the first chance to critique. His words boosted my confidence all the more. The nods and raised eyebrows of aproval silently delivered by my peers as they stole a glance had further heightened my bliss. It was so high that it had a far far far distance to crash down.

The man took one look at it, a long long silent look. My heart fell immediately as I watched his face. It was only preliminary! That was supposed to be understood! That had been dictated the day before from his very lips!

Everyone sadly hung their heads when he finally spoke.
He stopped me in my tracks before I had barely begun.
He put forth no effort at all to mask his disappointment.
In the man's eyes, the bar for me could not be raised; not now, not ever.
He might as well have crushed me and my machine with an anvil.

"You're the best thing that
has ever happened to me"

Means jack shit
When the bar is
Set so low
waking up alone
I feel it
more keenly
empty space
more poignant

I know she is trying

Some mornings are just harder than others.

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