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Most of the time I love having Tom Jones as my imaginary friend. He inspires me in times of need and cheers me up when I am down. Just when you think life is not worth living he'll start humming the intro to "It's Not Unusual". You know the one, dum-da-dum dum-da-dum (up a bit) dum-da-dum dum-da-dum etc etc.

This is also the reason why I am frequently seen walking along the street talking, singing or just dancing while seemingly on my own. Of course they don't realise Tom is there with me.

However recently I have encountered a couple of problems. I have recently got myself a girlfriend and it's nice to have some time alone, without Tom looking over my shoulder. At first all I had to do was give him a fiver and tell him to go to the cinema. Unfortunately he's sussed that my time alone with my girlfriend is quite important to me and he is now bleeding me dry every time I try and get rid of him. He asked for £10 first and now it's £20. Where will it end?? I can't afford this extortion anymore.

The other big problem is that when I am out at the pub Tom keeps coming on to girls in their twenties. He still thinks he can pull these birds. For some reason he thinks that lines like "Sex bomb, sex bomb, you're my sex bomb" will actually work.

This combination of problems has prompted me to offer my imaginary friend for sale. I want him to go to a good home though, no unimaginative people like Tax men, J.K Rowling and people of this kind. He is still in good condition and although he is getting on now he has become much wiser with his age. /msg me for more details, possible part exchange considered.

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