to fear a loose rush, I swear

running from the elasticity of damage
the virus of addiction, its survival
- no clarity

I tried to swim

there are things I can't hide,
a serrated kitchen knife
cheap, and dull, like the rum
I threw the knife, and one shoe

in the Mississippi River after the third cut
left the other shoe in the sand
and the pillow, I don't remember how
I slept that night I don't remember how
I slept for a month, sleeved it's been

over a year since I crossed lines
the first time, before I knew the power
of what doesn't kill you, there are things
I can't hide I have to wait

until I've simply forgotten them, insomniac,
I tried to be useful
to play a forgiven soldier, what I know
is that I did not celebrate or even remember
the one-year anniversary, I can't apologize I have
never, ever ever tried so hard I want

to take
the one extra heartbeat
you lent me
and use it
to squrim
dearest insomniac,

if you were so awake when I was withering beside you, well
I hope you didn't hear and won't remember

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