January 10, 2006

< _

Development

I open a roll of film and look it up. There are these photos, developed. I try to say: hey, you. what can you offer me? who am I of you? I try to say. what merit do you have?

And then this time - unexpectedly - the roll corrects me, gently. that's not it, no, the question is - who am I in you? and what am I to can see be true through you with? where do I take you to be?

Some days, I would like to wake up and start like this.

That is why I wait today.

Awake in front of the computer and lonely

It's five minutes to four AM on a cold morning in January. There's a good metre or so of snow on the ground, Christmas break is over and school is in again.

I have to work tomorrow. I should be sleeping.

Instead, I'm browsing the site, looking over the articles that resonate so poignantly within me. Why are there so many lonely "nice guys"? Why do some people grow up more socially inept than others?

Why am I so afraid of my father dying?

It's not as though I don't expect it; he's in his sixties, mortality gets more likely when you hit that point - but it just seems like it's been so little time that I've been able to spend with him, like I don't know him all that well.

I don't know anyone very well, come to think of it. I've always had some reason to move on, a reason that ruptured those tentative bonds and made them tenuous at best, broke them at worst. I had to change schools in elementary; I went to two different high schools, neither of them with friends from elementary; and now in university I'm hesitant to try forming friendships, because I'm not sure how. Nobody's there to drag me out of my apartment, nobody's there to drag me to a movie, or a party, or anything.

And yet I have female friends who turn to me for advice on their relationships, on what to do - me, who has never had the chance to even kiss a girl, let alone be in a serious relationship like the ones they so casually ask me about - each question feeling like a dagger as I realize my affection was, perhaps, misplaced, as were my hopes.

I don't show it, though - I hardly ever do. I keep my face in a grin - remember, everyone is affected by how you carry yourself, how you feel; keep a brave face for the troops - and laugh, because I ran my tears dry years ago, laugh because it's too damn hard to cry.

I don't sleep well, nights. I hardly ever do nowadays. The glow of my LCD screen is somehow comforting in the dark of my 2 1/2 apartment. It's quiet and warm and lonely.

Cultivate your dreams

"Success is the progressive realization of a worthwhile dream."

I spend my time doing this and visualizing that next year, I will be owning a C6 Corvette convertible in Lemans Blue and black leather interior, with the DVD/GPS system.

If you're not chasing your dreams and goals, what are you chasing after?

If there is no set date, then perhaps it's just a fantasy? Sept 2007 will be very important because that's when I pick one up. I listen to my little voice that tell me otherwise. Then I listen to the voice that tells me I can and I must, because no one else will do it for themselves, so I must be the example.

And in five years, the ultimate house on Vandorf Side Rd. is very achievable, provided it is for sale.

We've decided to graduate last year, and the scariest thing now is to realize that all of what we can imagine can come true for us. Melissa and I have come a long way to enduring the worst. I intend for this not to happen ever again, and to look towards a bright future of change and positive rienforcement. I intend to make things happen for us, to become a driver in total control, making a difference to those that I choose to surround myself.

Cultivating our dreams is part of that. Spend time finding what you want, then immerse yourself towards it.

We'll be heading off to a couple of shows this year to contact new business partners. The car show and the bicycle show will be just two of them where we cultivate our dreams (well, at least my dreams in the bike show). I need to feel and touch it. I need to become passionate again about life and what it can provide. The experience, the fulfillment. Sometimes I really believe I've lost all touch with the world because I concentrate too much on the minor details fo life. There are times when I've forgotten family and their importance. For them to truly understand what I believe in, they still cannot grasp - but no matter. I will stay the course - the only one who will.

It's the dream that will propel me towards success. There will be times when I have to operate blindly and with faith, staying true to my convictions. The goal is to keep the prize in mind and in front of me.

It's possible!