Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling and I have a few thoughts to share with you this evening to help you cope with your Friend Behr being under my care here at the hospital.
I should note that my patient and I have been asked to leave the North Utica Behavioral Health Hospital because I am not really licensed to practice medicine in this state. So, I will be speaking to you from the garage of my house, where I am continuing to look after and try to get to the bottom of Mr. Berhardt Goats (who you know as Friend Behr). By the way, pretty much no chance in hell that I'll be able to get an MRI machine now.
We live in a strange world. Let me tell you. Boy, oh boy. Sometimes I have to wonder. I really do.
Some of what I learned today came in the form of faxes from Germany and places that were formerly part of the Soviet Union. I am trying to get background information on Friend Behr and I keep running into obstacles. The documents that were faxed to me were heavily redacted, including Friend Behr's birth certificate from the Ural Mountains Public Health Authority having his name redacted. I am finding this case more curious by the day. This is turning into something like I used to see on Columbo where the rich people have something to hide and the supposedly bumbling guy in the raincoat knocks over a vase in their home that turns out to be fake.
So, that leaves me at a dead end, but sometimes when one door closes, another opens. And although this information is redacted, there must be some reason for the redaction. Thus, there is more to Mr. Goats than meets the eye.
Is it wrong for me to have a crush on one of my colleagues? I'm asking for a friend, so don't think this has anything to do with me, but I am curious how people feel about that. I know it is generally frowned about (turn a frown upside down) but is it wrong?
I'd like you all to gather around. Come on, don't be shy. You know you want to touch each other in ambivalent ways. That was the title of my 1976 book on therapy, My Ambivalent Ways. You can still find it on certain retailers' website. You can. You really can. So, what I would like us to do is engage in a group hug to show our support for Friend Behr (I am guessing that is a title used in your little "everything2 cult"). Come on, touch each other in platonically ambivalent ways. Don't be shy. You're going to feel a whole lot better afterwards. Oh, I promise. I really do.
Would some of you like to come over to my house? I have a nice little Colonial style house with three bedrooms and two full baths just outside of Utica. You'd love it here. Very warm and cozy. Great place for therapy and group hugs. If you are in the area, look me up.
So, my treatment model in working with Friend Behr is taken from something I think I remember reading about in a text book while I was in medical school. I've strapped him down to this table, buck naked, and I've attached wires to each of his extremities. I am going to run some low-voltage current through him to see if this jogs his memory at all. I'm trying to uncover not only what may be holding this sexually aggressive ninety-year-old man back psychologically, I'm also trying to reveal possible state secrets involving three or more different countries. That would be something, don't you think? I really think it would be. I really do.
Just so we can be clear here, I do not endorse the idea of practicing psychiatric medicine on your own without adult supervision. I am only doing this because I am experienced, wise, and have a very interesting patient in my care. If they throw the book at me it won't matter to me as long as I get a page in the history books. I hope that happens. I really do.
Does the "Friend" in "Friend Behr" mean something special in terms of status within the cult you are all running here? I'm asking for a friend who is considering joining this cult. What are rules? What are they really? Does your cult have a lot of them? Specific footwear, maybe? Let me know.
Woke up with a whopper of a headache this morning. Was dreaming about this rack of ribs I saw a man eating in a restaurant the other day. I was going to order that but instead I had a salad. Better for my heart, but now I'm sad. It is okay to be sad, but if you are sad all the time it can be a sign that something is seriously wrong with you. I can help. I'm Dr. Peter Swilling, psychiatrist and stand-up comic in the Catskills (discredited).
There is an old saying that comes to me at times like these. "One Does Not Remember What the Lame Dog Buried." There is a lot to unpack there. I won't unpack it all for you right now. Take your time with it. Slow is the heart that beats for another. Something to think about.
I have to get back to my patient now, since I am the only one on staff in my house. My wife left me a few years ago. She said I had "gone around the bend" and I had to disagree. This brought something of an end to our marriage. We divorced officially in May of 2018. It was for the best. It really was.
Dr. Peter Swilling