June 27, 2004

I went to a party tonight. We were in the small party room of a mid-size suburban Chinese restaurant. The surprise main attraction was a bagpipe player in full Scottish uniform. You know the green tartan kilt, the socks all wired so they don't fall down, the cute little hat, and the frilly white shirt poking out of the very smart jacket. An emblem or two, here and there. You'd have to ask him what was under the kilt!

Playing the bagpipes was surprisingly hard work, I noticed. Being so close to the beast. That it required a great deal of skill was obvious to me from a somewhat early age. But this guy was really getting a work out, and he clearly knew what he was doing.

It was loud. Really loud. The sound went through me and nearly inspired true fear - it certainly commanded respect. And my mind could not help wandering to a rolling hill in Scotland, centuries ago, with Scottish armies marching and the beegeebies being frightened out of anyone in their path. I imagined lying in a castle, and being woken to the sound in the middle of the night. That would be scary.

So, we are standing there. Listening intently to this Scottish musical instrument of war play Amazing Grace and Auld Lang Syne, in a small Chinese restaurant with flashing coloured lights, in Australia, for an 80 year old woman who has never left NSW. What a strange, and magical night!

JohnnyGoodyear says Nice day log.....bagpipes are literally awesome.

'Ill miss you when I'm gone. Come up here and sit with me.'

'No, you'll miss the see-through shirt I'm wearing. And I want to stay here with my brother. Sry'

Ok, I understand that, I guess. I can stand the answer at least. Wait, uh, nope, fuck that shit. Little bitch. Got to get out of here. I stand up, walking over passed out guys, and little girls with their parents, looking longingly towards to the stage, where Placebo is playing 'Ill be yours.' I finally get to the end of the row of people, and close to one of the overpriced stands where I can buy a beer for 3 euros, or a Smirnoff Ice for the same price. I buy two of each.

Walking with the crowd, I find myself getting closer and closer to the two up on stage. The grass is damp from spilt beer down here. I can hardly walk, as it gets more and more crowded. I just want to be there, again, anywhere, I want to be with the girl.

I'll be your lover, I'll be yours.

Fuck that shit. It has never happened and it never will. Get a grip Chris, your starting to fall over people, only one cure for that. I quickly down the two beers left in my hands. This will go away, just have another; make it disappear. I don't have anyone else to love, or care for. I just need someone. I just need you.

Protect me from what I want.

You know that there are so many things you could do right now, but none of them seem to matter. All you have anymore is a dream, a dream of you and her. She is gone, and you know this dream isn't going away. I guess your scared that once you leave, you will still love her. What will happen, once your gone, into another place, another time? Will it still hurt? Will you forget her? Will you love another? Will you care for another? Will you lie to try? You know how this will all turn out, But you pray it isn't so.

Protege moi, Protege moi

You know she will move on; she never felt that way, and you don't know why you did. Why did you? Why do you still? Why do you have that feeling you will again? And will you remember the times and the places, when you saw her that way? You know she will forget the Ice Cream in that out of the way cafe. You know she will forget trying to ditch you the first time you were going to hang out together. You know she will forget the time you danced, and you just prayed that time would stop, just for you. You know she will forget it all, and you will be left, with memories all alone.

Carve your name into my arm.

Go back, to the way you lived before. Go back to solitude. Go back to sadness. Go back to the words in your arms, but not carved by her, but by you. I slit my wrists, and cry myself to sleep; knowing I will wake up, and I will have to live through another day. I slit my wrists, and hope that just this one time, it will kill you, so you don't wake up. I slit my wrists, and thank you, not blame you, for everything you have given me.

There's never been so much at stake.

I thank you, and hope to die, but I don't. I gave into the pain, but it this life just wont let me leave. I wake up, again, with these cuts along my arms and legs, and stomach. Words, Phrases, Thoughts, all about this teenage angst hell. But it's all happening again. I have a headache, from the aspirins I overdosed on. 20. Too few, far too few. The drinking didn't do it, and the cuts didn't do it. So I wake up, and go to work. The sun rises, to another morning.

Pure morning.

So now your not with your brother, but another guy. I see how it is, and I don't blame you. I don't know why its him and not me; but that's not my job. I will leave, but I won't lie. I still love you, and I can't be with anyone but you. I need you. I am scared of this; but I cant stop loving you. I will always be here, and you'll always know where to find me. So if your ever looking for someone, I will always be here; without you, I cannot go on.