Today I woke up after a decent night's sleep and started trying to get some things done around here. I thought it would be nice to go to church with my family, but didn't realize that the summer schedule had started, partially because I tend to be clueless about the calendar in general, I still have a child in school and it's not summer for me until school officially ends, and I haven't been to church as often as I would like to have gone. I attended Bible class which is something I haven't done in I can't even remember when. At first it was strange, but then I got into it because they were discussing a historical period that I have typically found interesting. I sat next to my sister and one of my nieces. My mom and step-dad were there. After class I went over to their house. My mom and I had a series of somewhat strained conversations. She felt like we were talking past each other, I felt like we were making different points. The truth is probably somewhere in between. I wanted support and didn't get it, perhaps because I didn't vocalize that. It was such a good feeling to receive a job offer from someone I like as a person. I stood outside the paint studio and had a life altering conversation with someone I met last week.
I'm not used to being able to vocalize what I want and need. I can give you so much more than just a one night love affair. It's amazing to have a job and know that someone else wants to hire you simply because you are you, and that's the best part about it. The man who will likely become my new boss somewhat reminds me of the woman who used to manage me, she's featured in work mom and referenced in other places. He's empathetic, supportive, fun, and gets things. I suspect he also has some flaws I haven't discovered yet, but no job is perfect and I'm not looking for perfection anyways. I probably could have asked for more money. I'm still getting used to the idea that I can command more pay and think it's important to stick with a salary that you can live on while aspiring toward greater levels of self esteem. It makes me nervous if I earn more money than I think I should be because I feel as if people will resent paying me. Generally speaking I feel as if I'm a great value. I can ask for a raise and feel as if this is a skill everyone should have so I'm working on getting better about that kind of thing.
When I went to renew my lease I spoke to the woman who sent my renewal. I just couldn't let you go. We got to talking, I said I might be interested in moving to a larger place, I can't remember how the conversation led to that, but we ended up taking a tour of a place right next to the clubhouse. As soon as I walked in I could tell a pet had lived there, but I was already up the stairs so I thought I might as well take a look around. Hello, feel the magic. I decided it wasn't the place for me and then I was sad as I left. I wanted the nicer dishwasher and washer/dryer unit, but a place that smells is a deal breaker for me. Back at the clubhouse I asked if there were any other two bedroom units and she said no. Then I made a comment about living in the smoke and pet free building and she jumped as if I had said something significant. I can lose my heart tonight. It turns out that my next door neighbor to the east had just moved and she had forgotten about that unit since it hadn't been cleaned yet.
As soon as I walked in I thought to myself, this is it. I had the same feeling when I walked into the place I have now and the one I had before that. It just felt right. I looked at other places both times, but they didn't have that same feeling. Certain people in my life are voicing their concerns and I understand that most of them are coming from a place of fear, doubt, uncertainty, and the knowledge that sometimes, bad things happen no matter how carefully you plan. I have some money in savings, I have a job and another offer, I get what they are saying, but I also know that there are times when I need to take that leap of faith. I'm not saying that this is a good decision, a wise one, or even the only one, but I can see the benefits, and I want this. I want it badly. I would actually really like a two bedroom, two bath place, but that's something to aspire to rather than something I can make happen now. My daughters need nurturing. I want my place to be a sanctuary and that's what I'm going to try and create there.
I'm going to give my girls the master bedroom and walk in closet. Technically this place is listed as a one bedroom with a den. This is probably because the second bedroom has no closet. Annoying, but not a deal breaker. I'd be getting a bit more kitchen counter and cabinet space, ditto for the bathroom. I'm getting another room, and a longer room that runs the length of my place. Right away I started envisioning my furniture there. I couldn't do that with the place in the orange building. I live in a hive complex type place where the phases are painted in different accent trim based on when they were built. Phase one is blue. Phase two (mine) is red. Phase three is orange, phase four is green, and phase five is more modern with different accents, but I call it brown since that what it is to me. When I tried to talk to the girls about moving, my oldest said she didn't care, my youngest said she wouldn't be opposed. My therapist has been lobbying for a two bedroom place for a while, my sisters think I should move closer to my job, but I want to be loyal to the place that has been loyal and friendly to me.
One of the things I need is more emotional support. I feel like moving is going to reduce some of our stress at home. The girls will have their own room and I can close the door on any potential collection of clothes and possessions. I want to buy planters, plants, and run those around the perimeter of the space before I move. I always say I'm going to do this and never do. I'm going to ask if they'll let me swap out the appliances I have now for the ones currently in that space. I would get two weeks to move around the corner, this feels so right, it's hard to describe. I want a dining room table. I want a theme for my bathroom, bedrooms, and kitchen. I want a place where the girls and I can eat, sleep, read, relax, and I want to have people over and entertain the way I used to when I was younger. I really don't care if I have a big room with a table, tons of plants, and a small area where people can sit. I love big open spaces. I crave them. I'm already getting rid of things so I don't have to move them. It's freeing and empowering, it feels like I'm more alive than I have been in a long time.
Tomorrow is a big day. Lease renewal, potential meeting with new boss, potential confrontation at work regarding my expense check, haircut, driving, I have major decisions to make, but I feel in control and know that whatever goes down, I will be okay. That feels like a pretty major victory and the calm is slowly fighting the anxiety even if that is still my near constant companion. The guy I've been texting was super supportive. I'm not sure where that's going, sometimes I like what we have, but want more. Other times I think it's smart to take our time and go slow. Still other times I ask if we are really right for each other. At any rate he's been fun to talk to and we haven't ever really gotten into an argument about anything which is nice. His watch collection and some other things make me a little nervous, but I like it that he doesn't ever seem to try and hide any of his flaws. I don't really try to disguise the fact that I have issues of my own so I guess honesty is important to both of us which feels like a win.
All my best,
Jess
P.S. This feeling is so amazing. I don't know when the switch flipped, maybe it was the new job offer, but something changed and it is radically better than it has been even if my emotions are still all over the place.
j