Today I am thinking about the therapist we used to see. I didn't really like her as a person, she was chilly, but she was effective. Money was a gnawing concern at the time, we fought about it, I stressed over our bills and feared that the mountain of debt would keep growing which it did because we didn't do anything about our actions and thinking. I'm pretty sure that whenever this was is when he bought the ADD Friendly Ways to Organize Your Life book, I remember being upset at him purchasing a full priced book, and now I'm sitting here wondering how much different our lives would be today had I implemented more of the strategies that were in there. The thing is back then I was such an overwhelmed wreck that I couldn't finish the book much less start trying some of their ideas. We must have had at least one kid at the time, I think both girls were on the scene back then. I'm furious with myself for things like this, knowing there was a problem and getting upset instead of sitting back, regrouping, and getting a plan together, but today I'm going to let that go.
I'm going to frame two pictures, one from each of the girls. Sometimes I have this horrible selfishness that shuts out the cries and needs of others. I think that what I want and need is so much more important than the needs and wants of others that I get caught up in this negative talk and self defeatist attitude that is wholly unproductive. I slept in a bit later than I normally do. It was raining softly as I stared out the bathroom window so I went downstairs to go through some clothes. We've had a lot of rain and I was going to complain about it until I remembered the severe drought that plagues California. My walk was very nice and once again I'm thankful that I got out instead of sitting at home cursing my weight. Our (my? his?) basement is damp and gloomy. I was reading a book yesterday that talked about the difference between managing and doing. I just love this book and I'm going to go back to it even if I only read a couple sentences out of it since it's content dense and I have to think about every word.
The book had this superb outline that broke down managerial responsibilities. When I was in school I could outline while I took notes in history class, but that ability goes away when I sit down to write other things. It's like while someone is talking I can pick out the main points and add information beneath it, but if I'm trying to pull the information together myself I have a lot of trouble. I pulled books off the bookcase and made a huge mess of piles in my living room that I have to put back together. I've never liked the bookcase we have in there. It's seven feet tall, four feet wide, and it just doesn't belong in this house. We've tried moving it around, but it's too tall and the wood doesn't match anything else either. I want it out of there which is why I removed the books, but I didn't go about it in a very systematic way like I did with the clothes this morning. I went through the clothes that was down in the basement and sorted it into piles as I went. I did that with the books, but I have more piles than I can manage and some books don't seem to fit in any of the piles.
Downstairs I was able to sort out summer clothes and clothes that will be worn when the weather is cooler or the girls go back to school. I've had that clothes sitting there for a while and I'm trying hard to accept that things have to sit until my brain works out a way to tackle and sort them out. Once I'm done I think to myself, that wasn't so bad, why didn't you just do that in the first place, but for...
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I'm back from an exhausting day. We went to church with my mom and youngest sister to pick up the girls. The drive down wasn't as bad as I thought it might be, we arrived in plenty of time and made it through the service that was being held at the park we were married at which wasn't awkward at all. The church picnic had the usual variety of foods, we chatted with some people I knew from the time when we were members at that church which is going on eighteen years now, but some people were still recognizable. My mom interrupted my sister and I while we were talking. I asked if I could please finish talking, my mom stomped off without saying anything and then later on she wouldn't tell my sister what she wanted. My tone could have been kinder so I'm going to keep that in mind next time someone interrupts a conversation I'm having. Before I got divorced my ex and I had talked about making Sunday our family day. The plan was to go to church, go out for brunch or breakfast, and buy groceries after. Last week I asked if we could not buy groceries so the food in the fridge would get eaten. He said that was fine so we went to church and then he took the girls to kickball with his girlfriend.
This week I asked about groceries and he said it was already two o'clock. When I said that didn't really answer my question he said it was getting late and he wanted to get back to the condo. I wasn't happy about that news, but kept my temper figuring I could buy groceries later. We went to Costco and bought Epsom salts, baking soda, and snacks. Since we weren't buying groceries I bought a big bag of chicken nuggets thinking the girls could have those for supper and lunch if we didn't have a chance to get out before tomorrow. While we were at Costco my youngest kept saying that she wanted tea. When we said no she kept saying - tea tea tea - over and over and over again until I wanted to scream. I've been really good this past week at avoiding shopping, overeating, and losing my cool, but that was really annoying. At our next stop I asked my daughter if she was going to keep saying tea if she went into the store with us. Then my husband said something to her about it. Repeating one word would make just about anyone frustrated with their child, but both of us ignored her until we were out of Costco which I felt was commendable. My ex-husband knelt down by her and explained that her saying tea was driving him a little crazy and she was welcome to come into the store if she would stop saying tea.
She stood there in the parking lot with tears shimmering in her eyes and refused to tell us what was wrong so finally we left her in the car and went into the store by ourselves. By this time I'm tired, hot, cranky, and not a very happy camper. I bought a shelf for the garage and another one for the front door. This is an aside, but I can't believe how many more men I notice now that I am divorced. They were probably always there, but I have new eyes now. We picked up our oldest, started heading home and I asked if we could stop somewhere to get a snack since it had been several hours since I had eaten a hot dog and accompanying gluten free items like generic Cheetos at the church picnic. Thankfully he said we could stop. We were close to a grocery store so I was thinking I could run in, grab a snaick and gobble it down in the car. I had a cart that had been in the cart corral. I always grab one to help keep employee costs down and I usually need one anyways so it works well. He pulled out a larger cart so I asked why. That's when he said he was going to pick up some groceries for himself at the condo and that's when I felt like shooting him and then myself.
It made me mad that he told me he wasn't planning on buying groceries as a family. It ticked me off when he was annoyed that his Costco membership expired so that was added to the things I had bought and he was a dick to the cashier who was just doing her job, and that could have put me over the edge, but I told myself to take a deep breath and pick up what I could as long as I was already at the store. I bought the girls snacks since I thought that part of my daughter's meltdown was low blood sugar. There were other factors, but that was one I could do something about. We ate ice cream bars, I bought the girls these snack packs that have turkey, cheese, and nuts in them. They're expensive, but it was worth it at the time. We had a single serving of orange juice to sip on the way home and of course it was nasty after the chocolate covered ice cream. At home we unloaded the wood, brought in the groceries and I wanted to cry when I saw what a disaster the house was. The girls were gone for a few days and I did not miss the fighting. I'm totally exhausted and can't wait to go to bed as soon as the dishes are done and I get the kitchen cleaned up because waking up to a bunch of work is no fun. Jane got invited to a friend's house so it will be me and Jill and I'm hoping to get the bookcase done with her because every teenager dreams of sorting books with their mother while their sibling visits a friend... :)