What would happen to your modern vision of the world if you had to actually get a Phillips head screwdriver to change the batteries in your remote control? Would this be akin to needing to take a chastity belt off of your wife before some snoggling? Well, you insensitive dumbass, perhaps you should consider that the fruit would just be that much sweeter if you had to go a couple of extra steps before you tapped the keg.

I've had this Kamelon remote since the first day I saw it in some online deal titled "THE LAST REMOTE YOU'LL EVER NEED!!" Hell, it could have just said, "The best remote you might buy this week" and I would have been down at the store with all the dollar bills required, fanned out with the same silly grin some guy has with his first straight flush in Vegas.

The attraction for first time buyers is that when you hit the device you want to control, that screen will pop into view on the device. All other possible screens will lie in wait until you hit the button at the top for that device. Is that a cool idea or what? I mean, that's worth $60 just to know that someone could think of that, isn't it?

TV remotes have always been quite the bother to me. I have two entire kitchen drawers full of unacceptable remotes, most of which came with the cursed box it was designed to control. The only reason I keep them is because it pisses off my wife. I'd gladly throw them away, but it would mean admitting a sort of defeat that I'm not willing to accept at this point in my life. Just like my wife, a remote could actually die one day and you might require a replacement.

Anyway, I saw a picture of this little blue-screened devil one day and I was down at Radio Shack no longer than ten minutes later. I remember that it was around the Holiday Season and I had to wait in line for a while to exchange my tender for my tenderness. My precious. I think I paid around $60 at the time for a 6-in-1 dealie. They are a bit cheaper now unless you want to step up to the 8-in-1 or whatever the current "in one" number is today. The new ones might have a shape more like the female body, but that's the only change I can see. Mine is a solid rectangle of efficiency, IF . . .

I can keep the family away from it. You see, this thing is motion activated. Almost every review of this thing you see will have one big negative: The battery life. But those folks have not understood the true nature of the Kamelon. It likes to rest. Don't you? Would you like it if some angsty kids or a worrisome wife kept jiggling you all day? When the Kamelon is jiggled, it jumps into life like a Thai hooker (that is to say, with a noticeable hum), ready to serve you with all of its functions. It will perform any of several functions willingly, as long as it has the power to do so. When it's not being asked to perform a function, it would like to have a little nap. Not allowing it to have its little naps will result in getting out that Phillips head screw driver and making sure that there are plenty of AAA batteries around the house. If you have jiggly kids or a worrisome wife, I'd suggest going to Costco and buying the 50-pack.

When the batteries run down, it mimics old age so well that I almost cry every time it happens. That's why I wish the family would help me lengthen the intervals. Instead of showing you the screen for the TV or DVD or the VCR, all screens start flashing at once. They even begin to overlap in such a confusing display that the first time it happens, you may well throw the device to the floor, yelling, "Be gone Demons!!" Well, that's what I did, before I figured out that it was just asking for juice. If you can treat the device with some respect, the batteries can last as long as six months before replacement is needed. One good tip is this: When not in use, put the device somewhere out of the way so that every time someone walks through the room, the vibrations of their footsteps don't kick it into gear.

Here's what I ask of my little personal device: Turn the TV on and off. Change the channels. Change the volume. Do the same for the VCR. Operate the DVD player. Operate the tuner from whence the sound cometh. Move the TV from one function to another. If I had a satellite or a cable box, I'm sure it would say, "Point me at it, daddy." But I'm a man of simple pleasures. I'd never found a remote that would handle all of these functions before. Some of these features on the Kameleon are obscure and require programming, just like a spouse. Sometimes at night I dream that my wife has a pleasing blue screen face. But I don't tell her about the details of that one just before I jiggle her.

UPDATE: This remote has been replaced by Logitech's Harmony remote. What a sweet little toy.

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