When the movie is about to start or you're on the first page of something, do you ever stop a second and think, This is going to be a big one. Do you ever just know when something is going to change you? By the time I finish this, my brain will be a slightly different brain. And you have to sit still and think, knowing you will not be the same in a few hours. Of course everything changes you and you could apply this to every little thing, every trip around the block. But you'd never get anything done.

This is why I left the letter in the envelope for so long today. I tried to drive normally and forgot where I was going until I was there and I had to turn too fast and the car in back of me got mad. The radio had been on the whole time and I hadn't heard it till now. But now it was making me think stupid things like How can I drive while my brain is burning?

Later. Now I have read the letter from Lowell. And now I am different. But not in the ways I had expected. I always forget it happens that way.

He has done it before, written to me using the only words that would work. I do not mean he is manipulative. I mean he uses the right words like someone very very talented might use the right notes on a violin. I mean these words come out of him like the right music.

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