And if more truths come out? They have to eventually. Assuming we want anything longterm.
But how much and at what rate? If all the ugliness came out right away, it would just send you running. Maybe that just saves time for us both in the end. But what if
I just end up sending everyone running? What is the right balance to strike?
I don't want you to think I'm leading you on or putting up a false front. You would appreciate honesty wouldn't you? Is it wrong to assume you want the same things I want? Is it wrong to assume
we need the same values? I took that as a given in the past, but given how things have turned out for me, I wonder if the things I think I want are actually the things I want.
If it's too much to ask for
someone who knows me better than myself, maybe I'm truly lost. I know I can't expect you or ask you to solve all my problems. But it's so tempting to have that hope. If I didn't have such hopes, would I even be here? What are and are not realistic expectations? I know we're all human. But if I thought you were like everyone else, I could just find anyone from off the street.
I feel like I'm entering some kind of negotiation. So many things run through my mind and I'm not even sure I need to make it all so complex. Why can't things be simple? Why do I have to worry
if I'm good enough, if you're good enough, why do I have to worry about what is reasonable? I shouldn't even be telling you this. I'm just driving this whole thing into another pileup.
What if I'm not cut out for this, what if none of us are, and
we only find one another because we're wounded by our pasts. But shared injuries don't make anything easier. What if they're just markers of our shared incompetencies?
I can't say this. Not yet. I don't know what I'm doing. I don't know where I'm going.
"Hi!
Hello... How have you been?"
"Did you make it through the snow alright?"
"We couldn't go anywhere. Things got a little crazy."
Here we go again. Nothing is really happening. Yet I want it to. If only we could clear away all this bu****it.
Why are we so afraid? Why am I so afraid. Yes, this is worth being careful about but true comfort means we wouldn't have to watch ourselves so carefully, doesn't it? How do we get there? At what point do we make the switch? Does it have to come naturally and automatically?
Why don't I have the patience to wait?
And yet I do want to wait, because of the disasters in my past. So it seems
things will continue to be so much less than they could be.
"Right, bye."
"It was good seeing you."
"Yeah, next week."
Off I go again, wondering if anything has changed at all. Thoughts that dominate my mind when I should be paying attention to the road. Lost in daydreams, not wanting to connect to the world around me.
It's nice. But not realistic. Still, I can't resist it.
Or I don't want to resist it.