This is for the patriotic gentleman I spoke to it the chat area of everything2.com brand website earlier today. My name is Berhardt Illych Goats and I am the next President of These United States of America. Amen.
I go down to the Utica, New York post office every day to collect the mail addressed to me in General Delivery. I am looking for checks with donations to my Presidential Campaign and primary challenge to Donald Trump. You may say there are other challengers, why put your hat in the ring, Friend Behr? The answer is simple. I am the only candidate to come at him from the right.
That said, I picked up the mail and there was indeed an envelope addressed to me. It was a from someone who had no return address and signed the letter "Man Who Smokes Chesterfields." So, that is what I have to go on. He said he was inside the Trump Inner Circle and he had some intelligence for me involving stolen emails they retrieved off a computer terminal at a public library he went to during one of his stops and used it to send emails regarding sensitive materials involving National Security using a personal account he had at Yahoo to a supposed Russian agent in Kansas City. In the interest of avoiding prosecution, I am publishing the letter here before I go to meet him to move forward on this with him in secrecy. This will give me plausible deniability if the FBI decides to add this to the growing list of charges I intend to pardon myself for when I am elected. Full stop.
Dear Friend Behr,
I am a follower of your award winning columns on everything2.com brand website. Your politics and your take no prisoners social conservativism while making exceptions for the one percent really appeals to me. Please understand that I do not have money to contribute to your campaign only because my assets, like yours, were recently seized by the FBI because they are trying to indict me for participation in an alleged child sex ring or something of that nature which I assure you I would never be involved in. I have a friend over at FOX News who is going to introduce a conspiracy theory next week to cover my ass, but right now the deep state pretty much has me by my sizable old man balls.
What I am able to do while in town purchasing the Chesterfield cigarettes I enjoy so much is go into an abandoned 1980s era arcade off the boardwalk and urinate on the floor. I do this to stake my claim and I would like to begin helping your dream come true by building your Bible and Constitution theme park in Atlantic City now that Baltimore is no longer an option because your mass graves were discovered on the site with your DNA inside. I know you don't believe in DNA, but the courts do and that is where you run into a problem. Those that don't know the truth are bound to fail to accept it. Ronald Reagan said that in his second inauguration. I can secure a row of abandoned storefronts there by slaughtering some old retired New Yorkers who bought the property but live up Bedford way. As you like to say, there is no other way. Those who do not fulfill their dreams are cursed to remain puppets of the deep state, as those who failed Trump have learned.
I am hiding out in a cabin in the woods alone outside Teaneck, New Jersey as I work to emulate you while enjoying the Chesterfield cigarettes I so deeply enjoy. Bless you, friend Behr.
A Man Who Smokes Chesterfields
A-fucking-MEN, brothers and sisters!