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The Arrogant Worms have put their caustic wit into every song they've written and performed, but "Log In To You" may well be their most clever and most underrated work. It first appeared on their 1999 release Dirt, but has made other appearances on greatest hits albums such as Gift Wrapped and live albums including Semi-Conducted.

It's an entire song about internet dating -- nay, more than this, it is the ultimate (and quite possibly the first) internet love song.

First, the words (see here for proof that the Worms are down with lyrics on E2):

Log In To You
By The Arrogant Worms

You double-clicked my heart
you've upgraded my life
You booted up my hard drive
please be my cyber-wife
You've logged in to my soul
you've downloaded my dreams
Let's go to my chatroom
and I'll show you what I mean

I want to log in to you
So I can prove my love is true
You're the Apple of my IBM
let me interface with you
I wanna log in to you

Password's incorrect
my login was denied
I've gotta open up your motherboard
put my Pentium inside

I've got a 21-inch screen
the colours will make you dizzy
My attachments are full of love for you
but your modem still rings busy
www dot love, you at me dot com
You can unzip all my floppy files
and spin my CD-ROM

I wanna log in to you
So I can prove my love is true
I'm free of any virus
I've been debugged too
I wanna log in to you
So I can prove my love is true
Be my laptop dancer
I've got lots of RAM for you

www dot love, you at me dot com
(Repeat until fade)

There's so much lyrical genius in there that I don't even know where to begin. "You're the Apple of my IBM" is a personal favourite lyric, along with "My attachments are full of love for you, but your modem still rings busy."

The "www dot love" portion of the song was the source of much debate on Worms listservs and forums. Fans couldn't figure out whether it was "www dot love you and me dot com" or "www dot love, you at me dot come." Indeed, it sounds as though the Worms are singing something different each time the line comes up, even within the same performance.

The Worms have never offered an official answer; even their websites lyrics section points to a site where people submit lyrics themselves. It's quite possible the band itself doesn't even know. Which is kind of funny.

The song was styled in the manner of rock power ballads, such as those that Guns N' Roses made famous. True to its theme, it begins with the sound of a dial-up modem. One of the most interesting adaptations was on the Worms' symphonic concert with the Edmonton Symphony Orchestra. The string section actually did a fantastic job of replicating the modem sounds. You'd need to hear it to believe it.

I would recommend said live, symphonic version for a number of reasons, among them the fact that singer Chris Patterson not only channels Axl Rose astonishingly well, but also because he's actually crawling around the stage by the end of the song. While wearing a tuxedo.

The DVD version of the concert, Three Worms and an Orchestra, also includes his introduction wherein he explains the origins of the song.

This may well be my favourite Arrogant Worms song, if only because I actually get all the nerdy computer references. It's also neat to see a band make fun of the computer dating phenomenon.


www.arrogant-worms.com

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