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If I told you I was a nice guy would you believe me?

What if I told you I love someone more than life itself?

If I told you we recently celebrated five years together would that help?

OK, so I'm guessing that by our introduction to one another you are already experiencing the problems of the unreliable narrator. Rightly so. I am not seeking understanding or forgiveness here, nor to explain my actions. Unfortunately, simply by stating this makes it easier to relate to me on a human level. Do not be drawn in. Refer to the title

To begin, the "nice guy" thing; a lot of people have discribed me this way, for pretty much my whole life. I've always been the comparison point for friends' new loves and the use of the word "genuine" has often been employed in prefix.

The second point. Firstly, I should probably say, although I'm guessing we are already on the same page, she is no longer with me. As you may already have read from my profile, I am an extremely practical person. As such I don't really hold much with the spoutings of love undying, the ideas of soulmates and "The One". I do, however, recognise when something is right and understand something of evolutionary biology, human chemistry and compatibility. With all this is mind I can safely tell you that I believe this person to be the greatest person to have existed in the history of the world and that I would gladly lay my life down for her. This is personal opinion, granted, and you do not have to agree. Perhaps you know me to be wrong in your heart of hearts because you, in fact, have in your life the greatest of all people. If this is the case then I envy you, and of course know you to be foolish and wrong.

So what happened?

To begin with I would like to say she was never "my girlfriend", "my partner" or indeed "my" anything. She is herself, I was me and we chose to be in each others lives. For a great deal of time this proved to be a mutually beneficial arrangement and I think I can safely say made us both happy.

I have never been as open or honest with any other person as I have with her, never cared for someone as much or felt as much love and support in return. This was something very rare, something even most best-friends do not experience; this was the foundation of our entire relationship. She was not my life, nor me hers; we loved and supported each others decisions and advancement with the view to ensuring the other would have the best life possible. This is all I have ever wanted for her, everything she wants.

I, however, am a cunt.

Now I struggle for a more appropriate term here, as I am actually quite fond of the word "cunt", as, I see, are many other noders. Unfortunately, a better word escapes me, so for this instance please view the word in the light that perhaps your great aunt or similar would, the most horrific and dispicable of all things.

The aforementioned foundation to our relationship meant that two very independent, intelligent (in her case) and realistic people could have a very strong relationship, envied by all who knew them (and some who didn't). It also meant that with a few simple rules, mutally agreed upon, that this was an open-relationship; a practical idea, based on the idea of not limiting the other's choices in life. I know that to most this indicates little more than hedonism and screwing around, but is in fact, in this case at least, linked to the entire ideology of the relationship. No ownership but honesty, love, support and trust. The recognision that human urges exist and neither person being prepared to lose the other for a slip or single decision to experience something. I don't just speak here in reference to sex, but all aspects of life.

So...I went to work overseas for six months and slept with someone else, multiple times, this was infidelity and I knew it. I then failed to divulge this information for about two months and when I did, purposefully withheld details out of a misguided idea that this would be less painful. Despite pleas for the truth I held on to this notion for a good deal of time, furthering the lies and the subsequent frustration and hurt because she knew I was lying, until finally sobblingly confessing to the truth - revealing not only was I a massive cheat, but could lie to her repeatedly despite causing massive distress. This, in case you haven't been following, was contrary to the fundementals of the whole relationship, as they would be to any but far, far worse in this case. These are the bare-bones of what I did; there are many other aspects that are not included herein; terrible decisions which only proved to twist the knife further and make her feel utterly betrayed, rejected, worthless and that I was not the person she once knew.

Now, I know that I never meant to hurt her in any of this; that this wasn't the result of being unhappy in the relationship and subconsciously self-sabotaging or because I had fallen out of love with her and couldn't face up to it - I hadn't, I loved her more than ever. I will always love her. I always prided myself on how well I knew her - to the point that it freaked her out sometimes - so how did I get this so wrong? More to the point, why did I do it? and when, exactly, did I become the type of person I loathe?

Why did I destroy the only thing I was ever sure about? How did I hurt this wonderful person so much, when all I ever wanted was to make her happy? How do I make this right when it is all my fault?

From the outside I would advise any friend to take the bastard's balls and erase him from their minds, possibly the face of the earth. All I want to do is make her feel better and take away the pain. How do I reconcile the two?

I am a stupid, stupid cunt.

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