Yesterday I worked part of a shift for a fellow employee. She tore into me the other day, I'm still not really recovered from that and unfortunately I have to go back and work with her again today. Last night I listened to a speaker talking about how to make conversations go your way. The idea is to visualize yourself talking to someone else, think about the best possible outcome for each party involved, and aim for that. I experimented with that, picturing myself talking to customers and helping them get their needs met. The last time I met with my therapist she told me I was very lucky that I had a boss who wasn't threatened by me. I laughed at that, but drove home remembering past conflicts. She foresaw the current conflict before I did.
I'm easily the strongest salesperson and employee in that department, I'm hard on myself and don't always realize how powerful I am since I tend to think of myself as weak and frustrated when the truth is I can be that way in certain areas, but in others I have a great deal of confidence in myself and my abilities. This particular woman has said that she wishes she had my personality. She's beautiful in a Victorian way, her skin is fair and her eyes are very penetrating and clear. I'm having a tough time figuring her out and maybe there isn't a lot there and I'm complicating things unnecessarily. I enjoy solving puzzles which doesn't mean that every person I meet is a tangled web of feelings and emotions that I need to solve.
I do not want to write this next part, I don't even want to think about it, I proscrastinate, it's a form of avoidance, but I'm also pretty good at forcing myself to take on tasks like these when I realize that they need to be addressed. I went to the mall and bought myself some clothes. I went into Lids on a whim and walked out with two Brewers hats that I hadn't planned on buying. Once I had the hats I went back to the gentleman who was running the sewing machine. I saw a hat commemorating the life of Jose Fernandez, that touched me deeply and I almost started crying while I was at the store. I decided to go ahead with getting my name embroidered on the back and I'm really glad I did since it really turned out well.
The second hat is going to my boss. It's pale pink and matches several things she has, she may not like it, but the stickers are still on it, I could return it or keep it if it's not to her taste, but I believe she's the type of person who will understand that the gift is an extension of my love and appreciation for her. Last night's bowling outing was cancelled, not sure what happened, but it fell through. I need to find a way to let go of people who are not really in my life that I want to hold onto. Something has to give at work. The woman I work with is disgruntled, I went down to four days a week partially because of her. My job is physically demanding, it's mentally challenging, and feeling the chill from someone who is frustrated and envious of me is something I don't really know how to address.
I have a problem with this guy from Verizon because he's more like me than I care to admit. I own a book I've written about before that describes the tendency to become more of what you are during a period of conflict or crisis. I think he has some control issues. He's very focused, but I think this is interfering with his ability to lead a healthier social life. My Breaking Addiction book speaks about substitutes for dealing with an issue. Respression is a form of control. You can go to work and school and do your thing while robbing yourself of healthy play time. My suspicion is that he's lonely. He has a bubble of isolation around him and he's telling himself that avoiding social situations is going to bring him closer to his dream than dating and hanging out with friends will.
You can only suppress and repress things for so long before that becomes problematic for you. They creep out and sneak out in unexpected ways. I can't help him because he doesn't want to be helped. This is something he's going to have to figure out on his own. I'm sad, I feel compelled to warn him about this, I already said something, but I can tell he doesn't really believe me, and I know I didn't listen to others when I was that age. I'm almost twice his age and I'm still having trouble unwinding and relaxing. It's really hard to get away from yourself. No matter how hard you try, anywhere you go, your thoughts come with you.
This recent ridiculousness with the network extender gave me another opportunity to interact with him. We're playing a game and it's going to end with hurt feelings unless there is a way for everyone to get what they want. He's helped me more than he realizes. I don't want to lose him, but I never had him so it isn't a real loss. I'll just have to be brave enough to say goodbye and move forward. It will suck for a while, but eventually I'll get over this. I still haven't gone to the knitting store. I need to do that. I need to find more things to do to keep my time occupied. I need to be doing the things I'm avoiding at home. I can't figure out why I'm just letting food rot in my fridge. I hope going down to four days a week at work will help. I need a break. I need to chill out and stop putting so much pressure on myself.
My boss likes to tell me that I'm a rock star. On some level I accept what she says as the truth. I was voted Employee of the Month during December by my peers. That's an accomplishment and I did that on my own. But it doesn't feel real. I feel like I'm just going through the motions and could be doing more. We could all be doing more, but like I told my mom on the phone yesterday, what I really need to do is find a way to rid myself of the compulsions and turn toward hobbines and outside interests that nurture me. I'm really tired, exhausted really, I'm terribly lonely even though I have many friends and family members. I just want someone to snuggle into at night and have them tell me everything is going to be alright. I need to go back to God and throw my anxieties on him. That's what he's there for and he cares.
Until next time,
J
P.S. I'm going to make a list of things I want to do and find someone to help me manage my money better. I'm okay with a trip to the mall, but I want to have money set aside to do that in the future. Also, I have a love/hate relationship with pretty faces who turn out to be deep and interesting people. Shame on me for writing off the beautiful people...
j