You can hear the goosestepping hordes from miles away. And just like any good parade in downtown Pyongyang, those who refuse to participate or cheer adequately will be handled with our usual totalitarian aplomb.

It is the March of the Critics 2012. The Quest to end all Quests! Better than the Holy Grail! Now with more cheese than ever!

The mission is one that many of us are well acquainted with. Post your reviews of anything: films, albums, consumer products, TV series, the lot. All of us have two things in common and one of those things is an opinion. You are hereby cordially invited to submit your opinions for others to opine upon. Beware: Neutral points of view will be subject to curses and anathema. All entries must be of the "review" writeup type and must be submitted to alex via private message.

Here are your guidelines seeing that my first submission came from so far out of left field that I had to decide whether to accept creative interpretations of what qualifies as a "review" (the answer is no) and enumerate what I will accept (I shall, starting right here): Works of art and literature, including music albums, individual songs, books, films, even stuff that should normally have an accompanying picture like paintings and sculpture. Lines of consumer products yes, but take individual consumer products with caution. I'm thinking of node for the ages—Kellogg's Corn Flakes, for example, will be around for the next 20 years but a specific model of electronic gear will probably not be on sale anymore next year unless it's something legendary enough to be sought on the used market, like Jon Lord's Hammond C3. Restaurants, hotels, and other places to go all the way up to sports venues, theme parks, and universities as long as your piece evaluates their merits. Am I forgetting a category? Let me know.

The bottom line is that the submission must be a review of something purposely created by humans and typically subject to review in a publication. Natural features and units of human organisation that are more or less organic in the way they come together like political parties, bands, the Boy Scouts, cities and towns will not qualify (before someone tries to sell me a review of New Jersey or the Atlantic Ocean). You cannot review languages or expressions, not even in Italian or Tagalog. I will not qualify your ex's performance in the sack for this quest—there are web sites for that. I will not accept a platypus even if you think that you are a creator deity evaluating your peers' work.

MotC12 will run from RIGHT NOW! until the end of March. After that, anyone who posts is an April Fool. For those we have special surprises in store. For those who harken the pied piper and march behind him (and survive the traditional dip in the river that follows) great prestige and prizes await. So get on with it!

At the end of the month I shall also choose three entries that made me laugh, cry, or sputter with rage, and will send their authors a little something special in addition to the on-site rewards.

Critics and critiques:

Voyage of the Damned submitted by Glowing Fish
Across the Universe submitted by BranRainey
Kick-Ass submitted by BranRainey and by Uberbanana
Chasing Amy submitted by BranRainey
Urban Dead submitted by BranRainey
Lost and Delirious submitted by BranRainey
1Q84 submitted by Glowing Fish
The Fires of Pompeii submitted by Glowing Fish
Harry Potter submitted by BranRainey
Counter-clock World submitted by QuantumBeep
Partners in Crime submitted by Glowing Fish
Planet of the Ood submitted by Glowing Fish
Butcher Bird submitted by Zephronias
Grand Theft Auto Advance submitted by BranRainey
Adventureland submitted by BranRainey
The Bodhisattva and the Happy Cells submitted by lizardinlaw
Brave Story submitted by Tem42
A Goofy Movie submitted by BranRainey
Marnie submitted by dannye
Savvy submitted by Tem42
Lars Attacks! submitted by BranRainey
Brisingr submitted by swankivy

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