The host of a daytime talk show that is basically the same as the Sally Jessy Raphael show, only with a male host. On his show, appropriately entitled "Maury", there are all sorts of trashy topics disguised as "caring" by the show's "producers." Most shows are centered around one of the following topics:

  • "I used to be a (bad social connotation)... now I'm a (good social connotation)!" -- Guests who are unpopular, not stylish, or otherwise not acceptable to their friends and family undergo a makeover and reveal their changes at the end of the show to much applause.
  • "Very special kids with Tourette's Syndrome." -- although Tourette's is very real, sometimes I suspect that Maury parades these kids out before the cameras because it's just so damn funny to watch kids involuntarily shout swear words. The amount of restraint shown by the audience is admirable.
  • "Overly destructive children" -- teenagers, mostly female, who are in gangs or are just generally violent will come on stage and assert their control by yelling at their parents. The parents inevitably break down crying, to the sympathetic "aww"'s of the crowd. The proper response to unruly children is to send them to boot camp, and Maury will sometimes show some video of drill instructors barking orders at the children in a nice role reversal. Whether this actually causes behavior modification is irrelevant.

There are others, but these constitute most of the shows that I have seen recently. Maury has tried to break out of this workaday rut by hosting NBC's remake of the classic game show Twenty-One, but that show's ratings dropped faster than yesterday's bran muffin.

Maury is married to CBS News anchorwoman Connie Chung.

Maury's Birth Control Rules

I HAVE SEEN THE LIGHT!!! Today, I watched yet another of Maury's paternity test shows and realized that a large part of the world has been ignoring some all-important birth control strategies which are only taught on daytime trash-talk shows. So here, in no particular order, are Maury's Rules of Semi-Effective Birth Control:

  1. Only have sex with a particular woman twice. A common defense among males who are confronted with possible paternity of a newborn welfare baby is, "We only slept together twice, the baby can't be mine."
  2. Only have sex with dirty hos. Men on trash talk shows will sometimes declare, "Man, dis bitch is a dirty ho, dat baby cain't be mine."
  3. To prevent pregnancy of your partner, just be sure she is sleeping with at least 2 other men. This is directly related to the 'dirty ho' rule and the two are sometimes used interchangably.
  4. If you declare that you are 200% (or greater) sure that the baby is not yours, then it must be true. 100% assurance is simply not effective in this situation.
  5. You are unlikely to conceive a child with a "crazy" woman. This rule has the same fundamental basis as rule #2.
  6. You are guaranteed to become sterile after paternity of your third child is proven. A common defense goes something like this, " I done got three kids, this one ain't mine."
    • The corollary to rule #6 states that if you have had sex with "hundreds" of women and none of them have yet proven that you are the father of their various children, then you are safe from reproducing.
  7. Never have sex with the same woman twice. As long as it is your first time having sex together, your are incapable of conceiving a child together. This is not to be confused with rule #1.

Now, if, in fact you are charged with the paternity of one of your partners' children, it is not over yet. Go ahead and take the paternity test. This is an important step to prove that the child is not yours. It is very important, however, that you choose one or both of the following strategies before the results are revealed to ensure that someone else will have to pay for this child for the next 18 years, and to prevent your hard-earned welfare money from going to child support payments.

  1. Get your mother to come on the show and vehemently deny that the child is yours. The louder and more obnoxious she can be, the better. You are 100% guaranteed to not be the father if she gets into a physical altercation with the baby momma in question.
  2. If you cannot talk your mother into embarassing herself on national television, a new girlfriend will suffice. You needn't have been with her for more than 2 weeks, and she is not even required to be acquainted with the baby mama, but she must loudly proclaim hatred for her and threaten to kick her "bitch ass" at least twice during the street corner vignette portion of the show. Again, obnoxiousness and actual violence bring certainty.

And now, something for the ladies of the Maury show. Face it, it's done. There is nothing that you can do to change the paternity of your child. If the man you think is the father of your baby has taken any of the above precautions, you are stuck with the results of your pants-dropping and the relationship it has permanently forged. There are, however a couple of things to remember when you are immersed in the chaos that is a paternity results show.

  1. It is your aim to have the most sordid story of all of the guests for the day. You know you have reached your goal when you have the honor of having the episode titled for you. If you can read the title of the day's show and know that it is referring to your situation, you have done your job.
  2. Another of your responsibilities is to convince everyone in the audience that the baby looks like him, whether you believe it or not. A good method is something like this, "look, dey bof gots two ears and my baby gots holes in his nose just like his daddy." It is imperative that you refer to the man in question as the baby's 'daddy' or some other such paternal reference. It is absolutely unacceptable for you to let on that there is any chance of a doubt in your mind that he is indeed the father of your baby.
  3. If you are so certain you have the right guy that you have given the baby his last name (or what you believe to be his last name, as was the case in one episode I watched), better brace yourself. A paternity test is superfluous in this situation because you have absolutely assured that the child will not be his and you will spend the remainder of your baby's life explaining why she has the same last name as some deadbeat you "laid down wit" many years ago, and it is different from the last names of your other 3 kids.

If all of the above methods fail and you are eternally bound to some toothless crackhead with pants that don't fit, then there are still two things for you to remember.

  1. After the results are read, regardless of whether you are happy or disappointed in the outcome you must either fall to the floor in the the knee-chest position and slam your open hands on the stage or run to the backstage area with arms flailing. You must, however, scream like you are being murdered. Not doing this is NOT an option.
  2. One last thing to remember; if at first you don't succeed, Maury will give you endless paternity tests as long as you remember to do your part as outlined above. You may look like a skanky 'ho, but after 6 or 7 tries you are bound to find the man who is legally obligated to pay you monthly installments for having sex with you one time.

Now for the legal issues. The above advice is not intended to diagnose, treat, prevent, or cure any pregnancies, diseases, or other medical anomalies. The information contained herein should not be construed as actual medical advice.

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