A made-for-TV film from 2002 written by Kimberly Gough and directed by Kevin Summerfield, and Damn Them To Hell for it.

At first you just think it's a bad movie, but when they get to Lord Dagda (the horned king guy), you realise it's so bad it's funny. At parts. Sometimes it's just really bad. In fact, just to avoid getting accusing messages from people who buy it hoping for a grand comedy, let me reiterate: This is an awful movie. You have been warned.

The story doesn't follow along very well. The costumes are often very bad. The fight choreography is terrible. The acting is really bad. Really, really bad!

This movie has very few, if any, redeaming qualities. in fact, just so you don't have to watch it, I'll summarise the plot--such as it is--for you. No need to thank me. Well, maybe a little need. I took a figurative bullet for you, and now I'm even going to spend some time detailing the pain and suffering it has caused me.

Avast! Here be spoilers aplenty. Be ye not lookin' below if ye seek not the stench of this vile film!

Maxwell Majeck (Timothy Stultz) is somewhat troubled by bullies. Mr. Tim (Paul Danaceau) gives him a magic book, which takes Max to a magical world, where his mousefriend Crimbil (Kevin Curtis) talks, and people have decent latex masks and less decent voices (dubbed, at least in one case). He dines with them in their walled place, but it's invaded. They send him off home, but insist that he return later.

None of them can act. But that was true of the real world as well.

Anyhoo, back home Max muses to his new talking mouse that maybe he dreamed it all. The mouse talks and he still thinks he must have dreamed the fairy world. But then he realises he has the elven princess's necklace, so it must have been real.

They can't act. Wow. And the father is dubbed too. WTF?

The next day, Mr. Tim sees Max, says he knew Max was ready, and Crimbil mentions Mr. Tim was once a great magician. So Max heads back through the door ('Every single time I go through that door I get webbed. Every time! It's just disgusting!') and meets a talking hawk who thinks he's not ready, and Fyoon the Wizard Guardian (Archie L. Harris Jr. and Lee Savage) who teaches him magic.

Meanwhile, the evil horned king is talking to some evil human. 'The boy escaped! *cry cry*'

The worst part of the acting is with the evil Lord Dagda and his lackeys, but that part is also intentionally funny. It could be funny due to good execution, but the lameness of the execution outdoes the humourous dialogue.

I will not be foiled by a ring! I deserve its power. N-o-ow!

Max awakes, having been sleeping on the forest floor, and discovers Crimbil is missing. He looks around and instead finds some people fighting.

I don't know if these costumes are meant to be funny, but they are.

The hawk tells Max to believe in himself and help the good guys in the fight.

Believe, Max! (ad nauseum)

Max does believe, and thus is of course successful in re-arming the good guys by magicking their staves. But they're still outnumbered, so he creates a pink magical fog to block their sight (but not the sight of the good guys for unknown reasons).

As soon as the bad guys go, however, Max gets whapped. He's awaken by the elven princess. Crimbil is there too. It was a glorious victory!


A longish aside to explain the backstory:

The Unsealy Court/Crystal Tribe lives underground. They're the bad guys.

The Sealy Court (elves and stuff) are good.

They used to trade, but then Lord Dagda was elected. Lord Dagda stole the ring from Queen Belphobe (Jack Baker). Kidnapped the queen.

What is there to explain. You have kidnapped my queen! And by the honour of my knights--and yours--I will fight you to the death for her return!

King Herla (Lee Wilkinson) rescued the queen, but Dagda had the ring still. Dagda is evil. Meanie.

Of course, there are several rings. Wisdom, shapeshifting, and so on. But queeny's is apparently super!nice.

Dagda sends a gaseous trap to put the queen--and a bunch of Bluebell Warriors, I believe--into eternal sleep, and animalised a bunch of people.

Back to the Present

The evil guy is still conniving to deal with Max.

Max and the princess discuss weaponry. He wants to magic up some guns and junk. She thinks the 'sticks' they have work just fine. A pathetic demonstration of stick fighting proves her right. And we're reminded, 'Remember what Mr. Tim said: You gotta believe! Believe in yourself.'

Update on the Evil Assassin Who Killed Two Nameless People at the Beginning of the Film: he's using a map and hunting someone.

That's because he's one of the bad guys. Beat him up!.

Worm defects to help Max to warn Max of the assassin hunting him.

The assassin appears just then, cuing another awful fight scene. Max wins, and brings Worm back to the good village, where princess whosit kicks him out. She's pissed. Then Max is pissed.

The hawk convinces Max to be all forgiving-like, and reminds him of the sleeping warriors, whom he could awake magically.

(Meanwhile, Lord Dagda heads off to kill Max. I think.)

Max uses magic to find and awaken the sleeping Bluebell Warriors! Yay!

War is upon us! And the sleeping Bluebell Warriors are taking their sweet time rising from the ground.

Lord Dagda pops up and attacks Max. Good thing Max knows magic. And can bite stupid people who stick their hands in his mouths.

Max apparently neutralises the Lord Dagda, and then finishes the spell, so the four lumbering warriors can turn the tide of battle. They have plate mail though, so it makes sense they win, right?

Anyway, when Lord Dagda stands back up to strike again, Max summons a bunch of mice who jump on him, which inexplicably defeats the big horned demon king.

Crimbil dies. *cry cry* Max storms off back to the real world, which Fyoon objects to.

A Happy ending

Back in the real world, the bullies are about to bug Max, when Crimbil (now an elf kid) shows up. He's not dead! He chases off the bullies by putting a mouse on him, resulting in the worst panic acting evAR.

Max pops into the elven world just to be thanked and join the party. The princess thanks him. The queen thanks him (and gives him a ring for world crossovering in the future).

Then the real world again: he's late for school. And some of the good guys are in his closet. They want to help him with his homework tonight and play PlayStation. So Max shuts them in the closet again.

It's always an adventure with you, Max.

(Lord Dagda, by the way, is now living as a mouse in a leetle cage. Neener, neener, Mr. Meanie!)


I hereby bestow upon our fine cast:

Worst actor: Max's Dad (Michael Blumenstock), Mr. Tim (Paul Danaceau), Lord Dagda (Ken Mitzkovitz), Worm (Steven Barry Prince), and perhaps the Princess Etain (Erika Ann).

Best actors: Max's Mom (Lisa Burdette), perhaps.

Cheesiest: Fyoon (Lee Savage/Archie L. Harris Jr.)

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