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I find it funny how I'm most open about my feelings when I'm in pain. Heart flayed out in a dozen directions, guess there's not much to hide. I suppose it says something unhealthy about me that pain is what leads to openness, but that's something to just shove down for today and deal with down the road.

Recently though, a new challenger has shown up on the block and taken some of my attention away from the maelstrom in my head. Fear, quite the cunt. I've felt fear like I haven't known for a long time, maybe 4 and a half years, when a close "friend" threatened suicide at 2 AM while I was asleep. Quite a fucking morning that was. Especially when you love the girl.

Now my fear stems from a similar sense of loss. My heart fears, and fears, and fears, screaming in my head all night that I'm going to lose someone. That they're gone, never coming back. Maybe it's that the night always brings out the worst parts of my mind. Maybe it's a self-destructive, subconscious desire, a darker part of my mind indulging in fantasies that would destroy me. Not to say I couldn't stand back up, couldn't move on, but fuck, I'm sick of this shit. Tired of having to stand back up and rebuild. Someone give me a hug or a jar of shine. If I know anything at all, I know that I need something to give.

Happy anniversary, Christine! We'd have been married twelve years ago today, and I still miss you, though you've been gone for five years. Seven years was good, but not enough.

Thank you, E2. You are all a part of the story.

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