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I did not sleep well last night. After going to bed early I woke up around one and couldn't get back to sleep. I put some clothes in the dryer, did some writing, a lot of thinking, and went back to bed to lay there for a couple of hours before waking up this morning. Yesterday I went to my oldest daughter's final eighth grade softball game. My sister and her husband came out to watch with us, the girls got trounced, but my daughter had a smart single that went over the shortstop and dropped in front of the center fielder. My youngest hung out with the boys in her class, when we were at home we were teasing her about pregnancy being contagious, but she didn't fall for it. Despite being very tired I'm in a pretty good mood today. At the game I spoke with a woman who was diagnosed with MS not long ago. She had several signs that something was wrong, but they didn't know what it was for a while. I felt a lot better after talking to her. She's upbeat and optimistic and I really need those kinds of people in my life right now.

Another thing I did last night was Google articles on divorce. I'm going to go to the library to get some books. There was practical advice, straight talk on how women felt and what they wished they would have known before their marriages ended, and the first thing I came across was reassurance that many have been through this, and it's not easy on anyone, but plenty of people have gone on to meet others, and have better lives than the ones they did before. We had the money talk last night. A great article I read said that emotions will fade and dull, but the mistakes you make about money can haunt you for a lifetime if you aren't doing the research you need to do beforehand. I need to figure out what my monthly living expenses are going to be and ask for that when we're in court together. I have a girlfriend who is great with budgeting and I'm going to ask her for some help since that doesn't tend to be a strength of mine, but I can learn new things and I've always been proud of myself for my ability to dive into something I know nothing about regardless of how futile that exercise may seem at the time. 

I own my car outright and I don't have any credit card debt so that's a relief. I have some odd bills to clear up, but those are under a thousand dollars, and those shouldn't take long to put behind me. I got a really nice message from someone who said that they hoped that I can work on the PTSD issues. That's another set of books I want from the library, I need to start making a list of topics that interest me and make better use of my library time. Last night I found a site that gave me 102 DIY home improvement ideas for under a hundred dollars. I am so grateful that I am not starting out with nothing. I have furniture, kitchen things, and a lot of ideas. I'm sure I will be very lonely at times. My car is older so I'd like to find a part time job within walking distance and fortunately there is a small strip mall not far from where I'm going to be living. I could apply at the bank where I bank, there's another bank that's closer, I could try that too, There's a grocery store beyond the bank, a cellular services store, and I'm thinking about applying at the paint store so I can do more with this decorating kick I'm on currently. 

My plan is to try and get enough money from the divorce so I don't have to work, but that may not be realistic. I'm going to talk to my therapist about this when I see her on Monday. She's a bill I'm not sure I'll be able to afford after the divorce, I'll have a lot of choices about where I'm going to spend whatever money I get in the process and I want to be smart about realizing that things go wrong and the unexpected rears it's unwanted head on many occasions. I like to shop for certain things, staying out of the stores will be a challenge, especially when I have the time on my hands, but I'm going to write out a routine of how I envision the average day going and plan out a week so I have things to do. My sister warned me about shutting down and just sitting there. I can see myself doing that, but I can also see myself socializing with my neighbors and other people I may meet. It would be really nice to have an internet connection, but I don't think that's going to happen unless he decides that he wants to pay for that.

Water is included and I'm hoping I can keep my heating bill to a minimum. I'm going to go through the beddiing we have and evaluate it in terms of winter readiness. It seems like a long way off now, but it's still chilly at night so it will be interesting to see how my first winter by myself goes. I have underground parking, a concern of mine is the steep pitch of the entrance way going down into the parking garage, but I'm sure my confidence will grow and I can always park outside if it seems excessively slippery or icy. Right now I'm taking some pride in how calm I'm being although I have had a few teary sessions. I'm getting things done, not wallowing in self pity, and I'm scared and nervous, but I'm also a bit excited, and optimistic. I was never promised a rose garden and reading some of the blogs and seeing what is possible for a creative person was heart warming. I have my bedroom mostly planned out, I'm still contemplating different arrangements for my second bedroom. 

It's a very oddly shaped room. I think it's eleven by eleven, but it has a cathedral ceiling that must be at least eighteen feet high so the room looks very small by comparison. The wall without windows isn't quite as tall, I can make this a second bedroom for the girls in case they ever want to come over and spend the night or I could turn it into a TV room. I have a loveseat and I could ask for the taller bookcase that I was going to put over there initially. I dislike heavy furniture I can't move myself, but it would work well in that room and open up the living room at the house. I bought a small bookcase at a second hand store. I'm not sure what I'm going to do with that now, but I'm sure I'll figure something out. I found a shoji screen that I think would be cool, and give me more privacy downstairs since anyone can look in through the window and patio door, but that's more money than I want to spend right now. I have a book on small spaces that I'm going to review. I'm also going to propose some changes at the place I'm leaving behind.

I don't write much or talk about my faith, but outside of my family and friends, it's the number one thing that keeps me going. It doesn't matter to me if nobody else believes in God, or even if the idea of God ends up being a delusion and there is nothing beyond the here and now, it makes me feel better to believe that my life is divinely guided. Even if I take another view, it truly could be much worse than it is now. My health isn't fabulous, but it isn't nearly as bad as it could be. I think I will discover things about myself that I never knew. The truth is that the best laid plans can go awry, and I'm trying not to be too hard on myself which hasn't been the easiest task either. Going to the softball game was an opportunity to tell some of the people I know that I'm getting divorced. One woman kind of brushed it off and didn't comment, but another woman was tremendously supportive. I have a plce to go, at least for now, and I know that I can adapt and learn and make mistakes and be forgiven for them.

There are several errands I need to run today including the library. My goal is to just keep moving whether the things I'm doing are actually productive or even need to be done, or there's a better, more efficient order that I'm missing somehow. My children are no longer little. They seem to be okay, and resigned if not actually thrilled with the idea that their parents are getting divorced. I'd like to be able to take them both with me, but I'm also very thankful that they have a good relationship with their dad because that's something I don't have in my life. I'm trying to keep humor in my life because laughter is good. I'm also not going to deny myself little luxuries and small indulgences like I've done so often in the past. Yesterday he came home with a seventy dollar t-shirt. He wants to go out and date others. Tonight he's going to a movie with friends. He hasn't been feeling well and I feel like he should stay home and go to bed early, but that's not really my concern anymore.

In therapy he mentioned not needing a mother. We can both be very stubborn, irresponsible, and immature, and I am really working on rising above and trying to be better about making people deal with the consequences of their own decisions. My youngest cleaned her room yesterday. I helped her put clean sheets on the bed. She didn't do the greatest job sweeping, but the floor is an improvement over the way that it was before. I feel badly that for so many years I showed my children a side of their mother that put up with crap, laid around, sat around, and was not proactive. When I think back on the past eighteen months, I've gotten a lot of things done that I didn't think I would ever be able to do. I'm trying not to be overly analytical about what went wrong. The important thing is to learn more about healthy relationships so when I get a new job, or do meet someone I would like to go out with, I'm a better judge of fit and character.

One thing that people with PTSD can struggle with is neglecting to protect their own self interests. That's something that I recently became aware of and can address with my therapist. I lay down when I should stand up and stand up when I should be searching for ways to compromise. Sometimes I don't see the damage or control or abuse for what it is. Other times I'm afraid of what will happen if I'm more assertive. We're going to try a seven days on, seven days off trial period with the girls and custody. I'm going to think of things that the girls and I can do together that doesn't cost a lot of money. We have board games and cards, I can take some of those to the condo. I would like to establish some rituals and put a list of rules together for myself and others. I'd like to leave behind the days of dishes sitting on the counter and people thinking that mom will do whatever. The girls have to make a lot of their own choices, but I can also establish control and remind them of who is in charge going forward. Okay, I feel better now as I usually do when I'm finished writing. Best wishes to you as you go on with the things you are facing in your life currently. 

P.S. Apart from the missing date of May 12, 2015, I can trace this thread back to April 20, 2015. That feels like an accomplishment to me. 

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