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i call this dream: the saddest story in the world


i wake up and i think i might be in hell

i'm just opening doors in and out of things i've lived before


in one room, I am a small child and i watch my father leave

in another, I am a somber teenager thinking of suicide


I am happily swinging under a tree, thinking of things to come

I am a long ride back home, easy

I am a shy girl commuting, wishing to find you on her way home

I am all of those books on sale in a forgotten store downtown

I am that time I fell into the pool and nobody came for hours

I am those words you wrote about me,

even if you don't mean them anymore


I open a door and I am dreaming about you

I open another and I am standing outside


looking out for you in a crowd


When I dream

I can't see your face anymore


I open a door and I am happily sharing a conversation

I open another and it's just one of those days

when nothing happens

and suddenly, I think of you

and it only serves to remind me

that's the only place you exist in


Maybe one day I will open a door into a room of me, sleeping

dreaming i can do

anything i want

with no hope of returning


Maybe one day I'll stop wanting

This morning I woke up earlier than I had been. Lately I slipped back into a bad habit of staying up too late, not getting enough exercise, and lazing around in bed instead of getting up and being productive. Yesterday I watched a short video on how to take what the creator calls Adult Time Outs. This is a short break, taken periodically throughout the day where you sit quietly and concentrate on your breathing. I think I'm a lot more stressed than I realized. I worry constantly about things that are beyond my control. Watching the video was helpful. I especially liked the part where he said that when you're stressed every part of your life is affected, the easy seems hard, and the difficult seems impossible.

I had a nice conversation with a friend of mine yesterday. I realized that I am not a priority in everyone else's life. I need to let go of some things and people. I'm still very angry, some of this is directed at myself, but I also have trouble with my ex, children, former bosses, parents, and other people. My chiropractor told me I need to figure out what I want and go for it. I'm going to go to the library and get some books on boosting my self esteem. I remember my Louise Hay book being helpful in the past. I'm going to get that out again and reread it. I have a lot of books that I would like to read/revisit. I've gotten out of the routine where I read for a while in the morning. I lack a comfortable place to read which is one of the reasons I don't read as often as I would like. 

Yesterday I went to my mom's to work on my resume again. I sent it to my sister who had some very practical suggestions. I can take it in to the place where my sister used to work and get some help on it. There are resources I can utilize that will increase my chance of getting a better job sooner. I'm still in the process of streamlining food acquisition and prep. I'm kicking myself for not keeping a garden these past however many years, I need to channel that energy into getting a garden space ready now, even if it's just a few plants, I know I will be happy when I can walk outside and pick fresh produce instead of having to go to the store for it. 

I've been really focused on trash and packaging lately. I'm passionate about preserving the environment which is always strange to me since I'm not a real outdoors person. I would like to be, it's a goal of mine to spend at least an hour a day outside whether that's hiking or doing yard work. I'd like to better utilize the land that I have. In my mind I can see apple and pear trees. Peaches and pears are some of my favorite fruits, I love their juicy sweetness and light freshness. At my mom's I ate some rice that someone had contaminated by using a utensil that had prepared shrimp so today I'm dealing with some allergy symptoms. I woke up with chest tightness that hasn't gone away. I'm hoping a bath will help.

I tell myself this all the time, it really is a matter of routine. I'm going to set some non-negotiables for myself. I didn't shower the other day which isn't the worst thing in the world, but I know is a sign of being depressed. It helps me to think of depression as a condition rather than a mood because a lot of the time I don't feel sad when I'm depressed. My friend told me that he found me inspirational, that was a wonderful compliment to receive. I was talking to my step-dad about vehicles the other day. My mom asked if I would ever go back to working for a rental car company. I didn't mind the work, but I suffered through quite a few managers who were overworked and undertrained. 

I think instead of doing one thing every day that scares me, I need to do one thing every day that I've been putting off for a while. I need some summer clothes. Someone left an old beat up desk in the middle of the highway, a neighbor and I picked it up along with the rest of the things that had scattered. I brought it home and put it in my room thinking it would be a good place to store my clothes. I put my binder on there that has my daily tasks, but I haven't gotten to the clothes part yet and it isn't like I haven't had the time. Things like that annoy me about myself. It seems to take an overwhelming effort to do simple tasks like that which is one of the reasons I know I'm depressed. I have a bunch of errands to run today, things I want to do and things I need to do. Time to stop feeling sorry for myself and just get out and do them. 

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