I slept fairly well last night, but I am still pretty stiff and sore this morning. My toe is especially painful as are the joints in my fingers. Very happy to be going to the chiropractor today. I've been making better decisions on Twitter lately. Last night I unfollowed anyone that has been on my list of people that I feel complain too much or post content that I don't find very interesting. Sometimes I feel bad about unfollowing people that I've followed for a long time, but then I think about how I feel when I read things that are offensive, or not in line with my value system, and that helps. Today's list is things I need to talk to my therapist about.
1. Fear. I live with constant fear. When the front door opens, my stomach knots up. When someone puts a glass on the counter with less than the utmost of care, I feel my back muscles tightening. When people stomp around the house my anxiety goes through the roof. I have some books that help, but I would like to really be done with this so I need her to work with me on this.
2. Anxiety. Tied to fear, but not quite the same. I'm anxious that people won't like the food I've made, I worry about being late to things and spending money even when I have it to spend. My mind races and my stomach churns and this is not good for me or anyone who has to interact with me.
3. Feeling more comfortable in groups where food is a central item. This past weekend I met some friends at a bar in Madison. Everyone had something that I couldn't eat or was allergic to and I spent so much time worrying about crumbs and smells that I had a hard time concentrating on the topics of conversation.
4. Accepting myself. I think this one is self explanatory. I'm okay and when I'm not okay, I can get help.
5. Accepting others. I can learn to forgive and to move on which is not the same thing as continually taking abuse from people who are not sorry for how they have treated me in the past.
6. Direction in my life. I feel like I'm spinning my wheels. I can be more productive. I just need some tools to help me manage my time better and build in down time so I can reasonably expect to accomplish what I set out to do.
7. Anger. We're working on this now, but I want to continue to go forward with this since I've been better at recognizing triggers and trying to step back from situations where I'm enraged.
8. Letting go. I can't control everything. I need to get better about saying goodbye.
9. Not dwelling on things. This is related to letting go, but different. Sometimes I'm so focused on one thing that I let many others pass me by. That's not fun or right and I want to be able to snap myself out of that when I catch it happening.
10. Not being so hard on myself and others. This is a big one. I have a lot of perfectionistic tendencies. I like control and I want to be calmer, more relaxed and less uptight.
I feel pretty good physically today. I'm tired, my toe is very sore, but I had a big weekend and I'm happy that it went as well as it did and I was able to accomplish as much as I got done without crashing. I'm happy that after going out to eat and to the grocery store I came home to lie down for a while where as in the past I would have gone to other places and stores that I thought I should hit as long as I was out. I want to get some fiction writing today. I really miss it when I don't write. Those people comfort me and they allow me to be creative and explore things. It's a groove and I feel like I've earned some time with them since I haven't hung out with them in a while. It's part of taking care of myself and I want to get better about that too.
Be well, and please reach out if you have anything to say to others.
Until next time,
Jess
P.S. I started writing a different list and I've kept that with this so you can see how sometimes I get caught up in doing what is easy rather than tackling something that will help me grow. Cheers.
Today's list is things that I'm good at:
1. Networking and promoting others. A friend of mine once called me Twitter famous and I understand what she means when she says that. It doesn't matter who you are or what you do, if I like you, I'm going to tell others how great you are. Unfortunately, if I don't like you, I won't give you this same kind of recognition and if you're asking for it, you might get it, but you'll go on my mental list of people who are needy and I try to avoid those people as much as possible.
2. Thinking. I'm always thinking about something. I try not to complain about things unless I can come up with a solution or alternative idea which doesn't mean I don't ever vent or get go into a pity party. One of the reasons I write well is because I'm always turning things over in my head and thoughts come to me at the oddest of times. Standing in line at the grocery store, waiting at the chiropractor's office, doing the dishes, even sitting in church which is when I want to be focusing on the message there.
3. Being brave/courageous. I rarely think of myself this way, but others have told me that I am and today I know that's true. I'm not afraid to admit I don't know things or understand what someone else is saying. Sometimes it doesn't matter, but when it does, I try to make myself confront whatever it is I'm struggling with whether that's self esteem or parenting problems. I regret many things I've done and before I can get over them I need to go back and revisit what led me to those unwise decisions.
4. Research. I do a lot of research. I read articles my friends post, and have been exposed to a ton of wonderfully written pieces. I love reading pieces about famous writers, new tech gadgets like the roaches that are being set up to try to locate survivors buried under buildings that crumbled, health discoveries, and people's experiences that led them to where they are today. My world is fuller and brighter and more meaningful when I set aside time to read and research.
5.