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Today I'm reflecting. I'm not feeling very well, the front of my face hurts from sinus pain and pressure, and I'm wondering if I'm coming down with the same thing that ruptured my youngest daughter's eardrum last night. I woke up early and made some squash soup that nobody ate except for me. Since I had to work, I had asked my oldest if she would take my youngest in, after the visit I learned that we no longer have health insurance, and might not get it back. I had a job and then I got another one. There is an income gap, and I exceeded it. Next month I probably won't, but I guess you never know. I'm upset, but this is on me. I know the rules, and I broke them. States that provide health insurance for people like me and my family want to make sure that their recipients are following their guidelines, and I didn't.

They're going to mail paperwork to each of my employer's, current, and previous, and there's really nothing I can do except wait to see what they decide. When I talked to my boss he said he was having trouble finding more hours for me so we agreed to have me work part time. This felt like a moment of major victory for me. Today I'm much less optimistic. But I am still positive that come what may, our family will find a way. A lot of people falter when their faith, loyalty, etc..., are questioned. I have done this in the past, been angry at God, or others. Now I am sad and mad at myself. But I am taking ownership rather than trying to find another way to shove the blame onto someone else. It feels as if I work very hard, but I know I could be working much harder. It is time for me to become a better parent, more self sufficient, and self reliant. Nothing good comes easy, nothing that is worth having falls into your life and stays there without a fight. Today I am committed to it.

Xoxo,

J

P.S. The Brett Kavanaugh confirmation was sickening. My plans are vague, but I received my absentee ballot in the mail, and that felt like a great step in the right direction.

j

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