I have officially
been a woman for a little over 12 years. That's about 160
menstrual cycles. One hundred sixty
times that I have looked down between my legs to wipe away what had the potential to be a child. In the past
couple years, I have become acutely aware that I have
never been pregnant, and I am right in the middle of
nubile territory. I have
child bearing hips and rosy cheeks. I am ready to breed, ready to
set up ovulation charts and stand on my head after sex. "Come on, Jen,
let's go!" shouts my primitive self when I see attractive babies or children. I
eye my
birth control pills with contempt - if the time were
right, I'd trade in my
Ortho Tri Cyclen for a few big red blemishes in a heartbeat.
The time, however, is very much not right.
I have been dating a
wonderful geek for a year and a half. He is busy with school, and I am busy with work and
therapy. We are both living (
separately) 2000 miles from our respective families. We have not discussed
long term anything really, let alone
marriage. I refuse to put our relationship
in jeopardy because of some
hormonally triggered urge. Unfortunately, this sets me at odds with myself. I have to argue with myself over
what I'm trying to do here, and what the consequences of my
actions will be. If I push on some sort of deadline for
marriage or commitment, why am I doing it? Am I doing it because I'm
ready for it in the relationship, or because my
uterus is doing backflips because it's
pining for a parasite?
This whole conflict within myself leads me to think about
other women's pregnancies - how many of them
tried to tie men down with a baby? How many of us are
secretly glad when we find out that something went awry and in nine months... well, here comes
girl x with a baby carriage, marriage / relationship or not. I think it's
terribly irresponsible, and that it probably happens more than anyone would
like to admit.
So, reluctantly, but with
renewed diligence, I take my birth control pills on time, and I look for sales on
tampons and
maxi pads. It will probably be a while before I can stop using any of the above - but that's my choice.
and no, I do not consider babies to be parasites. Embryos, however... if the shoe fits...