Yeah, yeah, I know punk's dead and all that, but there's some sort of scene still trying to eke out an existence, and that's what counts. But the last time I showed up to the Fireside Bowl for a show, it looked like a bunch of wanna be ravers out there, and I'm sick of it.

Let's get a few things straight, starting with shoes. No doc martens, no freakin' Nikes or Reeboks or whatever else your mom picks up for you at the local K-mart because she thinks it's cool. Basically, you've got two choices: shitkickers, or chucks (though I'd recommend the former). And none of these shitty checkered or blue or whatever-the-hell-else-colors-they've-come-up-with chucks. Red. That's it.

Pants? What's with those baggy raver pants? You buy your clothes on the bulk discount? What moron told you those were cool? You've been lied to, son. I've seen tight leather biker pants, plastic silver skin tights, even khakis with chains hanging off their asses. I want jeans, dark blue (not light blue, not stonewashed, not black), perhaps ripped (that's up to you). And no cuffs, those are for nazi punks and skins. I shouldn't have to say this, but if you have to wear a belt, it should be black leather with a simple buckle. No gold, braided leather, etc. This should go without saying.

On the shirt and jacket, you have some choices. Some might say your only choice is black leather, mid-waist with buckles (no spikes or studs or god-only-knows what else). This is one choice. Just slightly less acceptable is the solid green army jacket you got either out of some old guy's dumpster or a surplus store for 10 bucks. These should be decorated with 1 or 2 patches, and no more, or you start looking like a billboard. May as well tattoo 'the Gap' across your skull. The shirt is preferably white cotton, with nothing on it. Maybe you can wear your favorite band's shirt, or one with your favorite beer on it. Once in Germany, I saw one with the words 'Becks Pistols' and two crossed bottles. This is clever, and acceptable.

Now on to, what the hell, go nuts.

-This node brought to you by an embittered, aging punk.

P.S. I say, I say, that thar's what you'd call a joke, son, do you get it?

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