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I wait for my mother to go to bed. She won't, she keeps looking through albums for a certain Bob Dylan song. Which I would be interested in, if I weren't so damn concerned with the ice cream that I just ate less than an hour ago on the way home from the concert. I worry that it will start to digest before I can get rid of it and that I will get too many calories. She goes to bed, finally. Now to wait for her to go to sleep...I wonder why I'm so worried about her hearing this when I used to do this for years in our old house with its paper-thin walls while she was ten feet away doing laundry for Christ's sake. I remember laughing internally earlier today as I was talking out my ass about healthy eating and how I didn't feel healthy unless I ate a real meal with like, vegetables and everything, while I was plotting how to stealthily rid my body of the calories inherent in my healthy lunch. I sit online and watch the minutes on the clock pass me by. I play Bejeweled and tell myself I can do this after I play one game. I lose very early on because I can't stop thinking about that fucking ice cream. Go into the bathroom, lock the door, undress because it's bathtime after this, but I realize I can hear my mom's TV. I get very paranoid, decide to give it one more game of Bejeweled. Once that is over, run to the bathroom, throw the faucet of the bathtub to on, lean over the toilet, stick my fingers down my throat. Once, twice, I lose track. Until I'm satisfied (but when will that be...ever?). Slip into the bathtub, lay down. I feel the water rising on my face and briefly entertain the thought of letting it close over my face, wondering if I can will myself not to fight it. Knowing that I probably can't, and thinking, Silly girl, you aren't suicidal anymore.

I want him to get online, so I can ask him in an accusatory tone what the hell is wrong with him for wanting the most disgusting girl on earth. It's probably better that he doesn't, and run upstairs to get a Diet Coke, happy that I managed to do this for the fifth time in two days without getting caught.

Re*laps"ing, a.

Marked by a relapse; falling back; tending to return to a former worse state.

Relapsing fever Med., an acute, epidemic, contagious fever, which prevails also endemically in Ireland, Russia, and some other regions. It is marked by one or two remissions of the fever, by articular and muscular pains, and by the presence, during the paroxism of spiral bacterium (Spirochaete) in the blood. It is not usually fatal. Called also famine fever, and recurring fever.


© Webster 1913.

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