The Obligatory Opening Paragraph, Wherein One Introduces the More Renowned Qualities of the Recipe to be Presented

Scrambled eggs = hearty breakfast = popular with the yardapes = great vacation meal. Let's ignore for a moment the word "cholesterol" from this conversation, and move rapidly to taste (extremely good, esp with a little bit of iron-skillet burnt-onion flavor), required silverware (a fork is all you'll need), calories (high, I think -- lots of energy for the rest of the day!), and ease of cooking (so easy even bachelors can make them).

This recipe is a family favorite. We enjoy having them on Sunday mornings or during vacations when we have time to eat. I make them, my daughters consume them. And they always ask for seconds.

You'll like them too. Here's the recipe.


  • 8 eggs
  • 1 cup finely diced onion
  • 1-2 tablespoons of butter or margarine
  • 2 tablespoons of Heinz BBQ sauce
  • 1/2 cup diced celery spears (w/leafy tops)
  • 1/2 cup milk
  • salt & pepper to taste


  1. Sauté the onions in butter in a metal skillet over medium heat. A few minutes after you begin, Stir in BBQ sauce. I like Heinz or Kraft BBQ sauce. It really does make a difference which sauce you use, so try out a few to meet your taste requirements.
  2. Sauté until the onions are soft and beginning to turn brown. Stir often.
  3. In a bowl, mix eggs with milk and whip.
  4. Add salt and pepper to the eggs.
  5. When the onions are just beginning to turn brown, pour the egg mix into the skillet. Use a wooden stirrer to keep those eggs moving.
  6. 10-15 minutes after you've poured in the eggs, add the celery.
  7. The eggs are ready when they're no longer runny. You secretly hope a little bit of the eggs get burned, because the burned eggs add extra yum to the mix.

Here's How You Serve Them to the Troops

The towheaded little monsters in their footy pyjamas are kneeling on their chairs, and they're banging their forks onto their plates like the young barbarians they are. In a second they're going to wake Mom, which is not a Good Idea. You spin around in your kitchen apron and point the wooden spoon at them and you say,

"No eggs until you noisy critters settle down! You! Pour the Orange Juice! You! Make some toast! You! Help your brother butter the toast! Now sit down and be quiet until I'm done with the eggs!"

As they scramble to their duties and then quickly sit down again, you turn around and wait for the tension to build. It's hard work for kids to sit still and wait for their food. When they've reached the boiling point, you turn around with a flourish and announce:


and they yell,


And you say,


And they yell,


One of the boys is so excited he klonks his head on the plate.

Then you bring the skillet over to them and you let them all smell the eggs first. Teasing your audience is the best part of being a true chef. Then you ladle up each of the yardapes' plates and watch them eat.

If they're girls, they'll eat and talk nicely and use their napkins to dab at their mouths, like their mother taught them. They may thank you for the breakfast and may even reward you with a kiss. Girls are nice that way.

If they're boys, they'll hoover down their food, slop down the pulpy OJ, eat the buttered toast like grizzly bears and beg for more. Then, when they're sated, they'll run off like little monsters and play in the back yard. The only thanks you'll get is the knowledge that for the 14 seconds they were eating it was absolutely quiet, which for a boy family is the highest praise a chef can receive.

You sit down to an empty table, sip your cup of coffee, read the Sunday paper, and have what's left. There's just nothing like being the most popular guy on the planet for 14 seconds.

Any Questions?

/msg IWhoSawTheFace Yeah. Will this recipe work with Eggbeaters?
A: I have absolutely no idea.

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