I'm never smoking pot again.

Somehow I didn't fully realise it until today, but my absolute worst fear is losing my eyesight, that along with being paralyzed. Guess what I began to hallucinate?

Darkness closing in around my vision (which I didn't realise was simply "tunnel vision" until quite a bit later) had me convinced I was going blind. I looked at my hand and waved it over to the left and saw it get very small, along with the entire image coming from my left eye, and saw everything on the left zoom out and heard my hand screaming as it faded away. This I took to mean I was having a stroke and would be paralyzed forever, which I completely believed as soon as the thought came into my head. I was basically living out my worst fears.

This of course triggered a panic attack, I knew I was going to die, hyperventilated, whole body was shaking heart raced, felt lightheaded etc... all while basically tripping balls (I don't care what they say about marijuana doesn't make you hallucinate, obviously they aren't me and can't speak for me). I felt like jumping out the window to end the living hell, but didn't mostly because I was only on the second story anyways. Somehow checking the clock periodically made me just a tad less terrified for a few minutes at a time. The fear came back in waves for another hour and a half at least until it was managable and I could finally glance around and understand where I was, what was happening etc. (I can't even begin to describe how relieved I felt when I finally knew what was happening).

In all, I think I was only really "high" for 3 hours. That was the longest 3 hours of my life, I never knew 3 hours could go so slow. I'm still a bit traumatized (7.5 hours later) but at least I feel all fuzzy and warm.

The last few times I smoked weed were difficult, but this is just too much. I don't think weed should be a part of my life anymore, each time has grown less 'trippy' and more like a psychotic break where I can't differentiate between what is real and what isn't. I don't even think I really wanted to smoke today, it was more a matter of not knowing what else to do (I've been smoking almost every other day for weeks now). Being sane for the rest of my life sounds really nice right now, I can't wait to begin. It's almost like I'm starting a new chapter on my life.

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