Like ordinary people such as yourself, friend Behr has been forced to tackle social distancing. And like you, this can sometimes interfere with my hobbies such as pushing people out into busy streets, approaching women aggressively in the corners of bars and tea houses, and reading magazines in the Walmart bathrooms. Now, the first hobby is now out as it is not possible to do while maintaining six feet of distance to avoid vomiting on each other. The same is true of the second hobby, although it is true that many women vomit when I approach them. It is, I believe, a defense mechanism of some sort. Women are a much lower form of human than men, so it is natural for them to have defense mechanisms, i.e. Donald Rumsfeld, in order to contend with the far, far superior male of the species. We all know this, although false arguments involving science (false) and mathematics (completely false in ALL its forms) have been made. Ibid.
Now, as you all well know, it is part of Behr canon that I often retreat to the Walmart bathrooms in order to read magazines grabbed off the sales rack. I love a salesgirl with a great rack, by the way, in case you tabulate these matters and need that information to do so. As you know, in many Walmart locations they have a policy with the magazines, "You get shit on 'em, you buy 'em." Which makes perfect sense. It is hard to sell a magazine with shit on it, especially in this time of virus. There are many other men who actively engage in this activity (this qualifies it as a Grade A hobby by all modifiers).
We can continue to engage in this favorite, high rated hobby because we never exist in the same toilet stall together. We go to different toilet stalls because we are straight white men who do this. We read Good Housekeeping and Hunting. The thrill of the hunt is exhilirating to read about when chunks of last night's barbeque are shooting out of you and into a water-filled pot below. Fabulous time. You should join me next time. Great club. Great guys. Opportunities for advancement exist. Amazing club to belong to.
Now, because nothing has been said about toilet stall walls and this virus, and because there is an opening at the bottom of the wall (we use that to wave to each other and so forth), we are now keeping an empty stall between us as we read. This can be tough in many Walmart bathrooms because they get stuffed full of older straight white men looking to read Teen Beat in the toilet. You don't want to buy such a magazine. You are just perusing it to find out who the latest boy bands are. And when your man sausage is hanging down, the tip of it fully in the water you don't want to be reading Playboy because your man sausage will stiffen and get jammed between the toilet seat and the filthy toilet rim. You don't want that. It gets ugly at that point. Seriously. Trust me on this. Truth in my words, friend. Do not read arousing pamplets on the toilet.
It is so exhausting explaining this to you. Maybe if you weren't a complete dipshit I could use shorthand, but as is your low intelligence makes explaining things to you very difficult. For Christ's sake, get a fucking education, will you? There are charter schools everywhere. Sign the fuck up so you can stop being a moron for a change. Jesus saves. Amen.
So, in summary, if you are involved with or would like to become deeply, deeply involved with older straight white men who read magazines in the Walmart toilets, remember that until the end of this virus business, keep an empty toilet stall between you. And wash your hands afterwards. Especially if you had a messy one, and older straight white men have messy ones a lot. You ought to look in the toilet before we flush once and a while. You'll be amazed at what is in there. And if we feel like goofing, we'll stick your head down in there for a closer look. Amazing. Fun. Non-stop hilarity is involved in hanging out with straight white men who read magazines in Walmart bathrooms. We are where the fun is at.
These are the new official club rules for the Straight White Men's Walmart Bathroom Magazine Reading Clubs of America. Please abide by them.
This has been a Berhardt Goats PSA. Thank you. Be safe. Be sane. Get an education.