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“LIVE PEEPS - $2”. Many a man has wandered past a neon-lit portal to the sexual underbelly, and felt a tingle of curiosity in his groin (situated conveniently close to the change pocket of his pants, wherein loose change jingles idly). Those who have succumbed to the temptation to drop their coins into the slot are treated to a brief, titillating display of the feminine form, usually in a state of undress, and occasionally engaged in an explicit act of self-gratification. Lucky punters may even be treated to a fly-on-the-wall view of a lesbian or heterosexual couple.

Generally speaking, the aforementioned $2 will buy a 40 second “peep”. The Concise Oxford English Dictionary defines peep as a “Furtive or peering glance”. It is not a “long, hard stare”. This appears to be one of many potentially frustrating misconceptions that customers have about the mysterious world of the peepshow.

This guide is intended to prepare the aspiring voyeur for how best to behave when that opaque window becomes clear. Additionally, for those customers who may have developed “bad” peeping habits over time, this guide will help you to mend your wicked ways and become a “Gentleman Voyeur”.

Economics. $2 won’t buy you a meal but it will buy you a tasty snack. The women who work in peepshows are paid $1 for every $2 that you drop in the slot, which means they have half as much incentive to fulfil your every fantasy in forty seconds as you might think. Be realistic; if you want a four-course meal, pay for it. True Gentleman Voyeurs realise that while music, movies and computer software can be downloaded for free off the Internet, this is real life.

Abuse. Have you ever tapped on a fish tank? Did the fish ever swim over to see what you wanted? Thought not. Keep this in mind next time you try to draw attention to yourself by hammering insistently on the window. Beckoning fingers are also frowned upon; try a friendly wave!

Peepshow workers respond to one thing, and one thing only; money. So, if you want them to pay attention - pay up; you’ll be amply rewarded for your generosity.

Another common form of abuse is of the verbal variety. Most stupid comments are easily drowned out by the peepshow worker turning up the volume on her background music, but other extreme forms of abuse can bring a beautiful sexual encounter to a grinding halt. The woman in the peepshow is doing her thing, not yours – you wouldn’t yell abuse at the theatre, no matter how bad the play was.

Yelling explicit comments such as “show us your gash” or “finger your arsehole” will more likely result in the woman putting all her clothes back on. When you yell such things, you are being neither funny, clever, nor a Gentleman Voyeur; you are demonstrating your sad sexual retardation to all those present, including your friends.

Speaking of friends, keep in mind the “one person per booth” rule; when a lady looks into a peepshow booth, the only heads she wants to see are yours and (maybe) that of your prick. What she does not want to see is the entire forward line of a football team.

Directing. Remember; you are not Francis Ford Coppola and the ladies, although extremely talented and versatile, seldom have professional acting training. You also risk demonstrating the poverty of your sexual imagination; these girls have seen and done it all before. If you stick around long enough and be patient, you will probably see what you desire.

For the more creatively-minded Gentleman Voyeurs, writing your wish list on a piece of paper and holding it up for the woman to read is a good idea; it proves you’re literate, which is always sexy.

When writing requests, be prepared to spend some time and pay good money. A smart way to start is by inserting a 10 dollar bill into the feeder. From there it is most wise to write a compliment about the woman and show it to her, followed by your request. Writing “Finger your pussy” is redundant.

Remember the lost art of “please” and “thank you”.

Souvenirs. Everybody loves a holiday snap; a memento of happy times to share with friends and family. However, a peepshow is not Bali, Hawaii or the French Riviera. Think of a peepshow more like a fatal traffic accident – sure, it will stop you in your tracks, but it’s essentially a very private moment. There are plenty of people out there who allow themselves to be photographed in sexually explicit poses, but the ladies who work in peepshows would prefer you to take nothing more away from the experience than a fond memory.

If the above points fail to dissuade you from trying your candid-camera luck, be aware that the women can see you and will take great delight in alerting the heavy-set doorman (with a large baseball bat), who will offer you the following alternatives; confiscating your camera; inserting your camera rectally, or; turning you over to the police to explain why you have committed a federal offence.

Hygiene. Rule 1: Do not shit in the peepshow booths, ever. There should be no need to explain the reasons for this, and Gentleman Voyeurs will no doubt be appalled that such a caution is even necessary.

Rule 2: Window-lickers should be advised that in all likelihood, a window-jizzer was probably in the booth before them. Enough said.

Rule 3: Those tempted to spill their seed on wall and floor in a carefree manner should spare a thought for the cleaner – depending on the career breaks it could be you one day. Which brings us to…

Rule 4: If a coin happens to slip from your grasp and fall on the floor, it’s history. Do not even think about picking it up.

So, when next you find yourself with an urge to “splash out”, heed this advice – come in calm, collected and cashed-up, lock the door securely behind you and impress those hard-working peepshow ladies with your newly-acquired “Gentlemanly Voyeuristic” expertise.

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