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Perhaps at some point in your life you've been bothered by an early morning knock on your door -- why, it's some Jehovah's Witnesses looking to convert you to their group. Which is odd in and of itself, seeing as how one of their key beliefs is that there's only room for 144,000 in Heaven, and with about 7.5 million Jehovah's Witnesses worldwide, that means each new convert dings every other member's chances of being among the Heaven-select. And time is runing out, what with their founding prophet's decree that the end of the world will come within the generation beginning in 1914. (Granted, some who don't get into Heaven will still get to spend eternity in a somewhat lower-end Earthly paradise, but that boon is apparently not even restricted to members of the cult- er- faith.)

The good news is that if you're a recovered Jehovah's Witness -- 'disfellowshipped' is the fancy word they use for folks who've been kicked out for questioning the belief system -- well then, they're not allowed to try to speak to you. At all. In fact, in a recent article in the Watchtower magazine (published by the organization), it was declared that persons who have left the Jehovah's Witnesses are "'mentally diseased', and they seek to infect others with their disloyal teachings." So if any Jehovah's Witnesses come to your door, just tell them you're so glad to see them because you yourself are a former Jehovah's Witness who's already escaped the cult, and you'd simply love to tell them all about how you discovered the wrongfulness of it.

So you see, if you were simply a regular fellow who'd never been associated with the group, they would be free to keep trying to bring you over. But tell them you're a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness -- kicked out for something really bad, for which you shrug off any hint of remorse -- and they'll be forced to leave you alone. Now if it happens that you are not a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness.... well how the hell are they going to know that? There have been millions who have left the group (though its overall numbers continue to climb), so tell them to take your word for it. It's unlikely they'll run the risk of defying the strict orders of their clan by speaking with someone who claims to be a disfellowshipped Jehovah's Witness, when they can't know for sure that you are not such a creature. So goodbye to you, they will hastily declare, and on to the next target's house.

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