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My exploration into the files on Friend Behr's laptop that are in a folder marked "archaeological studies" has led me in some remarkable directions. Let me just say up front that Friend Behr's interests were wide, varied, and almost always wrong... but somehow even though they were wrong they were right in the larger picture. In the big picture, Friend Behr is Lord. Prayers are scattered in his wind.

Hi, I'm Dr. Peter Swilling, discredited psychiatrist and murderer of Friend Behr (medical malpractice). Allegedly. I ran almost a million volts of pure electrical goodness through his ninety-year-old body. It was clearly medical malpractice. I have been discredited. Justice has been done. It is secure. Justice is. Secure. Just saying. I can't be prosecuted for a crime because no crime was committed. Do you understand me now, flapjacks?

Fucking grunts. When you do understand the benefits of beautiful sex with beautiful people then you just don't know the meandering paths of life. YOU JUST DON'T. At all. Trust me. I am bringing you a professional report on a man and his friends' expedition to the Northern Ruhr Valley.

We all have our moments. I am gifted with the ability to have MORE moments than you do. Biologically engineered. Because I am a superior life form to you. Just saying. Now, I grew up reading There is a Terrible Man in the Neighborhood Magazine, so my childhood was likely different than yours. That is something for you to have another think on. That is where I stand on the issue. Think about it. Don't just jump to conclusions. Such leaping can be a cause for chagrin later on down the line. It sometimes turns out that way.

Now, there were a number of files in Behr's folder marked "archaeological studies." All seemed to be about his private studies into rather unique facets of human history. I was immediately drawn to the Word file for "Pantywaists of the Northern Ruhr Valley" for obvious reasons.

A "pantywaist" is described as one who has one's waist cinched as if to wear panties, i.e. waist of a woman, or a womanly waist. So, what we are talking about archaeologically are men with a womanly waist dwelling in the Northern Ruhr Valley. Friend Behr apparently discovered these "peoples" on an expedition he undertook with his friends Chopper and The Slow Kid in 1998. He "dug around in the rocks for three weeks before discovering the first fossils," it says in his daily archaeological journal. "I am a very serious archaeologist," it goes on to point out further down on the same page.

These "Pantywaists" were apparently "champion metal workers and choppers" and "were known to dither about in pubs talking about this and that." Friend Behr was able to determine this from a bone which experts have said is likely not even human. Several reports from experts are scanned into the folder. Each of them has words written across them in red marker saying "They are wrong about this." Friend Behr was determined, as he goes on to say in an entry several days later, "I hope to God that they die from doubting my archaeological discoveries."

This journal really is an interesting psychiatric study and allows me to understand the voices in my head, which are the product of being possessed by the darkness of Friend Behr, Lord and Master of Us All. Join together! Praise Friend Behr! Heil! Heil!

Apparently, after finding a few more bones and "a collection of interesting mid-20th century commercial canning cans," Friend Behr wrapped up his investigation. The last words in his daily archaeological journal tell the story of a man with a broken heart.

"Losing Butters was like losing a son. There was nothing anyone could do for him.

We gave him the bath. We let him taste the medicine. Everything failed.

And now Butters has gone to the other side. Oh why, God, why? I forsake you! I forsake you!

May Hades find its way into my soul! When I die! When I die!

May I possess a psychiatrist of dubious nature! Use him for my purposes! Use him for my purposes!

Nothing is accomplished without failure. Cut his throat. Cut all their throats.

Excelsior. I reign forever." 

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