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Okay, so back in the 80's I'm working at this burger 'n' beer joint. And after we closed for the night at this burger 'n' beer joint we used to hang out with the manager for hours, drinking free beer and smoking pot. So one night, we're sitting around doing what we always do, and the radio is on. And on the radio we hear about a 50's and 60's music trivia contest at a bar across town.

 

Now I don't know if I've told you but I'm a wiz at 50's and 60's music trivia; everybody at work knew that, and usually I drove them nuts because at night when we closed up the beer 'n' burger joint they wanted to listen some LedHatchetWagon crap, which I hate with a fucking passion, and believe me, I didn't mind telling 'em so. But tonight we were all one big happy family because if you won this 50's and 60's music trivia contest your table got free rum drinks all night long. So, I was the belle of the fucking ball that night, ya know.

 

Well we all pile into the manager's car and we drive across town to the bar where they're having this 50's and 60's music trivia contest. And we get there, and of course I mop the floor with the asswipes who came there that night thinking they know their 50's and 60's music trivia. 

 

Well I'm feeling pret-ty fucking good, ya know, cuz I wiped the floor with those assholes who thought they knew their 50's and 60's music trivia. And guess who's there ? George Klein, George-fucking-Klein is all-oh, c'mon, you know, Elvis' big frigging buddy? (smarmy DJ voice) "Hey all you groovy guys and gals! George Klein comin' at ya from the WHBQ Radio Sta"-No ? W-H-B-Q ? "The Red Hot & Blue Show"? "Daddy-O" Dewey Phillips ? Aw, c'mon, Dewey Phillips was only like THE DADDY of rock 'n' roll two years before Alan-fucking-Freed. See, you'd know that if you knew your 50's and 60's music trivia. Well anyway, Elvis gave George Klein a Cadillac once, so, you know, he thinks he's a big shot.

 

So George-fucking-Klein-is-all comes over to the table and he says to me, he goes, "Miss ? I just wanted to tell you, you sure do know your 50's and 60's music trivia", like I don't fucking know that, I just won all my loser LedHatchetWagon-listening co-workers fucking rum drinks all night, and I'm not really much of a drinker. I just wanted to wipe the floor with some asshole who thought he knew more than me about 50's and 60's music trivia, but I might've mentioned that already.

 

So the waitress comes over and she wants to know what rum drink we all want, and I tell everybody else to order first-see, since I don't drink that much I wasn't thinking about the damn rum drinks. I was busy thinking about wiping the floor with some asshole who thought he knew his you-know-what better than me, and about maybe telling George-fucking-Klein to give that "Elvis gave me a Cadillac" story a rest fer cryin' out loud. So I hadn't been thinking about what rum drink I wanted, and when I did start thinking about it, I swear to god I couldn't think of a single fucking rum drink to save my life. So real polite and all, I said "Ya'll go first." 

 

There I am, Queen-of-the-frigging-Ball, with all my LedHatchetWagon-listening loser coworkers ready to toast me, soon as they got their damn rum drinks of course-and you might've figured out by now, I'm feeling pret-ty damn good about winning that you-know-what, and George-fucking-Klein-is-all complimenting me on knowing my 50's and 60's music trivia. So with all that going on, the only rum drink I could think of was a Pina Colada, and that was probably because some asshole played that damned "Pina Colada" song-this was back in the 80's, remember, and whoever played that song was probably sick of all the 50's and 60's music for that trivia contest you mighta heard me mention. So when the waitress got back around to me, I said, "a Pina Colada."

 

There I was, the Quee-een Bee, Belle of the Fucking Ball, and my loser LedHatchetWagon-listening coworkers were singing my praises and I wasn't drunk but I felt fine and I knew I was smarter than all of them because I knew my 50's and 60's music trivia, and they didn't even know what real rock 'n' roll was, like Daddy-O Dewey Phillips used to spin it. So I was holding fucking court there at the table and I see the waitress coming back across the bar. She's carrying this big-ass tray, like fucking Hubble telescope big-hey I know about more than just 50's and 60's music trivia ya know. And I see that waitress with that big-ass tray getting closer, and I'm thinking, what the fuck is that ? What the hell is that big ugly ass brown thing sitting in the middle of that tray, with all that froo-froo hanging out of it ? Whatever the hell this thing is, it's got streamers and little umbrellas and plastic swords sticking out of it-and a sparkler, and the damn sparkler's lit fer crissake's. My aunt-fuckin'-fannie might be in there this thing is so big, and the waitress gets a little closer and when I see it, I don't fucking believe it. 

 

So I start looking around the room from my throne there ('cuz you remember how I told you I won that 50's and 60's music trivia contest and got all my fly-on-free-bird loser co-workers free rum drinks and all). So I'm feeling mighty fine, and I'm looking around to see where that waitress is going with that tray. I am dying to say something to the idiot who ordered that big ugly-ass brown thing with all that crap hanging out of it. After all, this is MY night, I'm the Belle of the damn Ball, and it's taking that waitress way too long to find whoever that idiot is, so I yell out:

 

"Hey who's the fucking idiot who ordered the coconut ?"

 

And no one claims to be that fucking idiot.

 

Then I turn back around to the table just in time to see the waitress set down my Pina Colada.

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