A Saga of Home Business Failure

Springtime. Everyone loves it, right? Flowers bloom, cool breezes replace harsh ice storms, the birds sing, and love is in the air. Not in my house. I walked through my front door last week to find that I had another cat. Or I could have made another one, at least, with all the cat hair flying around. You see, I was conned into taking three cats home with me two years ago, and springtime = sheddingtime for me.

So I walk through my front door, see all this cat hair, and think, "There's got to be something I can do with all of this." And then came the epiphany: "Hey! I can make wigs out of this stuff!"

R&D took some time; there's no good way to make the strands longer - glue is lumpy - so I had to settle for making toupees. All three of my cats are white, so I tried to dye the stuff. Unfortunately, every color I tried - brown, blonde, black, even Punky Colors - turned out calico. Well, some guys think even white hair is better than bald. So I persisted. I tried to clean the stuff, but it kept jumping out of the bathtub. I coaxed, I pleaded, I bribed, I threatened - nothing worked. Okay. Dirty white cat hair toupees. I could settle for that.

The beta version was a complete failure. Test subjects reported that they had the uncontrollable urge to lick themselves, eat tuna, and jump into the laps of people who hate them. Static was a huge problem; most subjects just had to deal with hair that sticks up all the time, but one poor fella who had thick shag carpet shocked his wife so bad when he kissed her that she was thereafter conditioned against kissing. I can't say much more, because the lawsuit is still pending.

The government has instituted a restraining order against me, so I have to stay 50 feet away from bald men at all times. Anyone want 300 black market Einstein-look-alike toupees?

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