Thank you all for coming to the stadium to hear about my treatment for a television series about Mean Old Joe the town character. I appreciate the support and thanks to the person who brought the scones and won't take responsibility. We appreciate it and we aren't trying to out you. We just want to show you our gratitude. Thanks!
What this series will be about is, well, it is centered around a small town where all the families have been there for generations. Lots of family fucking going on, but we don't get into that, we leave it to the viewer's imagination, but that kind of stuff is titillating for a simple minded audience. There are lots of women out there looking to get some bad neighbor dick in them, I kid you not. I used to play Larry on Three's Company. Well, I wasn't the main actor but I was on set sometimes.
Thanks to TheDeadGuy for transcribing this for me. I really appreciate it, even if you passed on my treatment. Thanks for letting me show it to these nice people. Really means a lot to me.
The main character of the story is the classic anti-hero, Mean Old Joe is an angry drunk who screams at kids and yells profanity at old ladies coming home from church. He's just terrible, except everyone has a chuckle about him for no real reason. They just accept him as part of the experience of living in that particular town. And this is the secret to this show. All the stuff like Mean Old Joe, and the mechanic who digs up his mother from the graveyard every few years so he can lie in the coffin with her, is basically part of that experience. And the people love their town. They really do. The actors will need to deliver that.
I do have a list of demands I'll need satisfied, including someone feeding my dog while I'm on set because he doesn't like to leave the house and won't allow anyone who isn't on my payroll to pet him. I do require a chilled six-pack of Dr. Pepper in my dressing room at all times. If I drink a can, some motherfucker needs to get in there and replace it with a fresh one, putting it into the ice bucket below the others so I don't accidently grab the one that isn't cold and have to kill a motherfucker, because I will if that happens. Can't stand that shit.
In addition to issues like him cursing at old ladies coming out of church and peeping in your teenage daughter's window when she's getting dressed up for church, Mean Old Joe has a lengthy rap sheet. There are genuine criminal offenses that would get him put in prison or at least exiled from this town. The whole theme of the series is about opening our hearts to people who are different from us. Mean Old Joe is a genuine threat to the safety of every man, woman, and child in that town, but they let him sit in the town square and drink all night. They know that the more he drinks, the meaner he gets, and the meaner he gets, the more likely he is to kill someone or break into their garage and take a fresh shit in their Craftsman tool box. He's the town character. They forgave him for forcefully throwing large rocks into that well the boy was in, crushing Mrs. Monty's little son from above until he was dead. Now Mrs. Monty brings him a piece of leftover pie after she's finished with dinner. This is what this show is all about. A young single woman with a great body is regularly raped by Mean Old Joe, but she accepts that this is what he wants and this is what she has to let happen. It is that kind of town.
Now you know the context in which the series is set. These things don't have to be out there. I'm not sure who will bid on this, and how much of all that we show will depend on whether it is HBO or ABC that gets the bid. I'm just leaving it out there as backstory.
Let's talk about the possible structure of the pilot episode, shall we? I'll move on to that.
In the pilot we have to introduce the main character, Mean Old Joe, but we also have to craft an intriguing scenario that involves characters who are actually sympathetic. Did anyone run out for coffee to go with these scones? I'll take mine the way I take my women, black and generally pissed off at me about many things at once.
My name is Randy. You'll want to remember how to spell that so my checks don't bounce going forward.
Say we introduce the Lemons family in the pilot episode, shall we? They are a nice American family with two kids, a boy and a girl, and a sweet as pumpkin pie couple named David and Lulu. They are going on a family outing to the town square where they run into Mean Old Joe. We get to meet the Lemons, a sympathetic family, and our primary character all in the first few minutes this way. Now we have to identify the conflict that will be neatly resolved in under 22 minutes.
Say Mean Old Joe throws a rock at the little boy and hits him in the head, knocking the child out cold. An ambulance arrives. EMTs are working on him, trying to save his life. Mean Old Joe runs over with an even bigger rock and brings it down on the boy, say his name is Billy, and he brings it down on his head. He crushes the child's skull and kills him instantly.
The parents are upset that their boy has been senselessly killed, but they also understand that Mean Old Joe is the town character and he is part of their town's special charm. They accept it and move on, and you have a lovely story about how a town pulls together in a time of tragedy.
Excuse me? You think that whole story is a senseless tragedy? Give me a break. That is the kind of thing going on in America now. This will be a runaway hit!