Every once in a while, Madison Avenue goes a bit batty. Or perhaps their clients' marketing departments go nuts. In any case, the visual and cultural symptom of this capitalist brainfart is the deluging of the marketplace with versions of popular products that completely miss the point of the original. I have no idea why these ideas get approved, time after time. Some may have nefarious origins (see New Coke) but most are just loony (see Twinkies Lite).

Note that merely being an oxymoron doesn't qualify something for this category. Military Intelligence's actual existence may be debated, but in theory it's a good idea (in either its intended or oxymoronic variants).

Without further ado, here are some of my favorites.

...Sometimes I just wish I could turn off some of my brain. Then I feel I'd be right at home in some sense.

Low-calorie Lucozade. This stuff exists. I kid ye not.

Some background information, in case Lucozade only exists in England: it's an energy drink, possibly the original energy drink, made by Smithkline Beecham. It's generally orange in colour, and comes in two flavours: original (tastes like salted Irn Bru) and orange (which I really shouldn't have to explain). There is also Lucozade Sport which, as far as I can tell, is normal Lucozade in a 'sporty' bottle.

Sensible individuals, such as you or I, would argue that the point of Lucozade is to provide energy. Energy is measured in kilocalories, usually abbreviated to calories. Allow me to repeat: a calorie is a unit of energy. No more, no less. Sensible folks, therefore, would consider low-calorie energy drinks to be an oxymoron; how about some fat-free lard? Or, say, sugar-free sucrose?

Apparently, the people at Smithkline Beecham are not sensible folks.

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