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Don't get me wrong- I'm not a skanky, stinky, sticky mess. I do shower; quite regularly, in fact. But I hate having to do it.

I resent having to stand under the water and wash myself every day. It takes me ten minutes (yes, I know I'm not very fast, but what can I say, I'm slow and lazy even while doing something I hate), and if you multiply that by the seven days in a week- whoa, don't get me started. That's a damn long time. Too long. I'd rather be reading, or watching TV, or just hanging out.

Standing in the shower is boring. Unless you have someone else in there to entertain you, or you feel like singing, there's nothing to do. If you get a shower radio you're likely to start dancing and end up falling, lying on your back until one of your unsuspecting house-mates bursts in and carries you out, and then you'll have to move out because it was so embarrassing.

Or you can have a bath, where you can read and just sit there until you resemble a prune, or your 95 year old wizened Great- Grandma. Ultimately, however, a bath just doesn't feel as hygienic as the standing and bathing alternative so you may end up having a quick shower after it to get clean anyway. Especially if it was a bubble bath.

And why is there such a social stigma attached to the amount of time between our bathing intervals? Will showering once every 26 hours make you a social pariah? Yes. But 24 hours is considered to be an"okay" time period between getting naked and wet, as decided by some random people who know about such things. Example:

Two girls, Gina and Becky, at a sleepover.
Gina: Do you want a shower tonight?
Becky: No thanks, I had one this morning.
Gina: Oh, okay.
The following morning.
Gina: Wow, what a fun night. Playing Twister sure got me sweaty, though. Would you like a shower now?
Becky: Oh, no, I think I'll wait.Thanks.
Gina thinks: Gee, what an unhygienic bitch. That's it, she's out of my group of friends.
Becky thinks: Why is she so obsessed with me showering? Does she want to see me naked or something? I'm outta here.

As this case proves, daily ablutions are often the cause of friendship break-ups in teenage girls. It's the unseen tragedy of personal hygiene.

These are just some of the many arguments against the humble shower. Until there is another alternative available to the masses we must waste time standing under the incessant flow. We must remain subject to social judgement regarding our bathing timetable. We must bow to the history, handiness and popularity of the shower. But we don't have to like it.

I masturbate in the shower. I have no problem admitting that. Now you may think this is not a huge concern of mine, considering the subject of shower masturbation is of minimal controversy anywhere outside of my shower, but I have grown to associate showers with masturbation. Whenever someone tells me that they will be taking a shower, the first thing that pops into my head is, "Oh, they're going to go masturbate." And then I think about that some more.

Even worse is what happens when I take showers somewhere not in my house. Masturbation has become such a routine for me in there, that my body is actually dismayed when it learns it will not be getting any "wild hot shower action" tonight. Such things have brought me a step closer to hate taking showers. And because I also have to shave my legs in the shower, it means even more of my time in that tub of evil. Oh joy.

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