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Sleepovers exist for teenage boys for these reasons and these reasons only:

The discovery of a thing called 'pornography'

In any focus group of boys between the ages of, say, 11 and 16, there will be at least one who has access (through an older brother, father or the pure Balls The Size of Grapefruits to go and buy one) to pr0n of either the print-based or video persuasion. Depending on the strength of the material available (and the moral turpitude of the owner), a teenage boy's first experience of porn can be an airbrushed Playboy centrefold or a video entitled Triple-Anal Schoolgirl Fistfuck Vol.3. However, at such an early age, either end of the spectrum has much the same effect ('Naked chicks! Woo!'), and does not speed the eventual graduation to hardcore porn at a more mature age. There must at all sleepovers where porn is introduced be a kid who doesn't know the mechanics of sex. He will be suspected of homosexual tendencies and ritually humiliated throughout.

Petty Vandalism at 3am

Rarely does a sleepover pass without some form of 'adventure' taking place. This normally takes the form of the participants sneaking out of the house in the early hours of the morning and wandering the surrounding area. Mild cases include making crank calls to Directory Enquiries from local phone boxes or moving 'For Sale' signs between houses. Extreme incidents include making use of an air rifle to shoot at houses or car-tipping. In any case, the night should culminate in some form of garden-hopping 'Grand National'.

Thinly-veiled male bonding

Under the auspices of an all-night Nintendo tournament, truth or dare game, illicit alcohol consumption, or merely talking while safely cloaked in darkness, the sleepover allows one to learn more about oneself and one's peers than any other social situation. Acceptable topics for discussion include:

Thus, male sleepovers are the very foundation upon which healthy growth of mind and body are based.

However, even through my nostalgia-tinted glasses, there is one thing more attractive than the teenage male sleepover: Girls' Sleepovers.

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