comb-over

Combover: A men's hairstyle whereby they try to hide a bald spot by growing a long strand of hair and combing over the bald spot.

AKA: A very, VERY bad idea. Why do men do this? I just don't understand. The University of Calgary Physics department is an ESPECIALLY bad example. It must be a requirement for getting a job there.

Rob Thompson, if you're ever reading this, GET RID OF YOUR COMBOVER! You're young! You're cool! Go bald gracefully!

I just don't get the point of this hairstyle. There are many, many, sexy bald men out there. John Malkovich, Patrick Stewart, Samuel L. Jackson.... So do someone you know a favour - tell them their combover looks like shit today!

The comb-over is the result of an attempt at obfuscating the fact that one is without noggin hair. It is an "arrangement" of head hair found on a portion of balding males. Typical candidates are managers and professors. Part of its creation entails growing ones remaining head hair until it is of sufficient length to cover the bald parts (usually the top of the head). The process also requires parting the hair a risky distance below the normal latitude, sometimes as far as under the ears.

Instructions:
NOTE: Follow these instructions at your own risk. By performing these steps, you are forfeiting the option of acquiring a wig, toupee or other entry level hair loss obfuscation mechanism. This technique is only recommended to experienced balding males in denial, due to the great risk of silent public ridicule. There are as yet no documented situations where a balding female has successfully attempted the comb-over, or even dared to.

Required:

• A lack of hair on ones head
• An abundance of hair below that area. (It is recommended that head hair be used as it was designed for the purpose. Chest, back, under arm, beard, nose, ear, pubic, leg and other unlisted hair or hair-like material is typically not suitable for combing over ones head).
• A comb, brush or some other hair partitioning device.
• A mirror, or a developed sense of spatial awareness

Steps:

1. Take the comb, brush or device by the most appropriate end, if there is one.
2. Apply pressure with the pronged side to the desired location of the parting, making sure there is sufficient hair above that location to cover the target baldness
3. Follow the curvature of head with the comb, moving hair upwards and then over the head
4. Repeat until personal denial is convinced that baldness is no longer apparent.

As I reach middle age I find that I have been graced with a mild case of male pattern baldness. My forehead is getting taller and the hair on the crown of my head is getting sparser. By no means am I bald and I don't expect to be any time soon. Even if I were, though, I would avoid the travesty known as the comb-over. And yet....

And yet, I am mildly distressed to find that my hair has decided to grow a comb-over without consulting me!

"How," you may ask, "would your hair do such a wild and crazy thing?" You wonder if maybe, just maybe, I secretly desire to string long bundled and dampened strands of hair across my gleaming pate, perhaps to spare birds and low-flying aircraft the blinding glare.

"No!" I would reply, "Pilots wear expensive sunglasses and damn the birds."

Anyway, back to my conundrum. I got a haircut recently. It is shorter than I wanted but what can I expect when I go to a barbershop near a Marine Corps air station? I noticed the next morning that when I tried to put my usual left-side part in what was left of my hair it wouldn't stick. I looked closer (in the mirror) and saw that all the hair below the part (closer to my left ear) was sticking up as if trying to climb over to my right ear. It's been three weeks and it does the same thing every morning!

I'm beginning to wonder if, sometime in our deep collective past, there was some positive survival value to a comb-over.