I was socially awkward in high school, and I managed to get into arguments with just about everyone. In a ninth-grade English class, the most beautiful girl in freshman class was arguing with me about a homework assignment.

I said, in a fury, "Go fuck yourself!"

She smiled sweetly and said, "If I could fuck myself, I'd just stay in bed all day. I wouldn't CARE about homework."

That shut me up for two reasons.

First, because it was true: anyone who could fuck her would abandon all other cares. Walking across hot coals would be enjoyable if you could fuck her afterwards.

Second, because I was too busy imagining it to speak.

True story.

A boy sees his father smoking a cigarette.
"Dad, can I have a puff of your cigarette?"
"Well, son, can your dick reach your asshole?"
"Then you can't have a puff of my cigarette."

The boy sees his father drinking a beer.
"Dad, can I have a sip of your beer?"
"Well, son, can your dick reach your asshole?"
"Then you can't have a sip of my beer."

The boy sees his father reading a porn magazine.
"Dad, can I take a look at your magazine?"
"Well, son, can your dick reach your asshole?"
"Then you can't take a look at my magazine."

The boy, angry and frustrated, walks over to the kitchen to grab the last piece of a delicious chocolate cake. His father walks in.
"Son, that cake looks mighty good.. think I could have a bite?"
"Well, dad, can your dick reach your asshole?"
His father smiles and goes, "Why yes, as a matter of fact it can."
"Well then dad, you can go fuck yourself."

The following story was printed in an old issue of New Scientist in the Feedback section and was related to me by a biology teacher...

A biologist was perusing the back of a scientific journal, when an advert caught his eye:

SELF-CLONING KIT. Create your own clone! Please send £100 to...

A self-cloning kit for just a hundred quid? The scientist could not believe his luck! So, he sent off for the aforementioned pack, dancing with excitement.

Up to 28 days later, the package arrived. Our hapless hero ran to the door, and tore open the suspiciously light cardboard box. In the box was a small slip of paper. He picked it up and read it:

<Go fuck yourself.

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