I can degrade myself better than you can

I was the worst lay you ever had	The Defragmentation of the Inner Self	To thine own self be true	No one asks me if I'm a Satanist or anything because I take the precaution of wearing a predominantly flannel and hawaiian shirt-oriented wardrobe
Am I broken?	Editor Log: November 30, 2000	Hack Writer	I'm acquiring more bottles, tubes, and jars as time goes on
First day of school	My entire genetic makeup can be entered on a single CD-Rom	terminal uniqueness	Columbo
Chevrolet Chevette	I give blood because I've got it on my hands.	O Death	peotomy
We are all starstuff, billion year-old carbon; got to get ourselves back into The Garden	Passive Aggressive	Oh, oh, look at my redeeming honesty	Mary Kay LeTourneau
How to survive a long-distance relationship	lazy eye

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