So I'm sitting there, having said goodnight to Shmuel
, watching the movie Bringing Out The Dead
and working on my fourth beer, the one that would send me over into sleep tonight. I hear Natalie Merchant
's voice and see Nick Cage and that Arquette chick bouncing around in the back of the ambulance. And I have this fleeting feeling that everything is going to be alright
. That I am not completely lost. That there is sense and hope and love still in the world, even for a jaded little star like me, a small pinhole of light into the lives of those around me who I thought I had not affected.
I told Shmuel that my brother was coming tomorrow, the only brother I have, a brother who lives in Germany and is coming with his two German kids. My brother who is coming to see me, who hasn't seen me in four years. And Shmuel knows that I am excited, knows because he knows me, a knowledge even I cannot deny.
I was the car that gave the girls a ride home tonight. I may be the guide that brings my friend Sandi into a circle of friends that will fill my void after I move away. I am hoping to be Sheri's new next door neighbor soon, so that neither of us will be so alone. I am more than I thought I was. I am Steve's new friend today. I am Mike's friend that he will not leave behind.
And for once in a while, I am going to bed with a smile on my face, because I am actually looking forward to tomorrow, for a change. All these little things are enough to keep me going. The last cigarette of the night. Whiskeytown playing. Baggy pajama bottoms and hope for a new day.
It doesn't take much to go on living, it really doesn't.