grief is not depression

I lie down at night and resist but I know that resistance is futile and so I let myself go the long slow slide into the depths feeling that I resisted as a child too dangerous I would be mocked and then as an adult because the trench was so deep the deepest trench in the ocean the black hole I did not go in I would never find my way out but now I let go completely and it's gravity sliding down faster and faster cement overshoes carrying me down down down and I slide

I am having trouble letting you in

yes I know that and that is one of the griefs every time I want to argue or grab you or fight those words come up in my mind and it's not me that can fight the zombies they are your zombies I am the one that triggers them it is not my right to open your box your depths you can choose to look for hope at the bottom or not but I am still the trigger and you say no

Christopher Robin is going

music from a child album old old and eeyore singing grief in rhyme of Christopher Robin who is leaving the animals the toys the stuffed ones he is growing up and going bak son becomes back soon but the stuffed toys know it's a lie and he will not be back ever except in their hearts and memories and mine I slide down into grief and wake surprised that there is sleep there too I wake and the grief is still there my heart aches with longing and tears that I can't shed an ocean of tears and someday I will shed them but not now because you are the one I want to cry on but I would be crying about you and the zombies would rattle their dungeon walls

perchance to dream

I do not resist I slide down down into grief into the trench and it is not depression it is different the deep is illuminated by strange fish with lights and creatures who can live in furnace rising hot water and it looks like I will be here for a while my hair cut short but in the depths it lengthens mates with seaweed and streams and small fish hide there and my legs are closed and fused and altered and I am in the depths in the ocean in the water and I do not resist as I take a breath of painful salty water and feel the urge to explore and swim

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