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I've adopted a delicate balance of substance abuse.

At home, I avoid caffeine. Abroad, I avoid alcohol.

You see, it is in this fashion that I can enjoy a decent buzz with a very moderate amount of top shelf booze when I'm at home; and when abroad, my tolerance for caffeine is low enough that small amounts make me wakeful and alert on demand. BUT (and there is always a "but", or a "however" if you are so inclined)...

Here we have a tradition.

When a bottle of clear liquor reaches the dregs, the dregs are set aside and co-mingled with each other in a carboy set aside for the purpose. You see, liquor is fairly hard to come by in a country where possession of intoxicating substances is punishable by stoning to death and worse. You can't just run out to the 7-11 and pick up some square grape when the mood to get shitty strikes. It has to be carefully supplied and rationed.

As I am sure most have heard, necessity is the mother of invention. And when you stand between an American and intoxication, necessity usually means that the invention is flammable.

When the carboy is full of dregs, the noxious solution is freeze distilled two or three times.

Freeze distillation is a method by which an ethanol-bearing solution is refrigerated to, or below, the freezing point of water. Thus, water crystallizes and is easily removed, raising the ratio of ethanol and creating a higher-proof liquor. There is some fairly interesting chemistry happening here, but without getting into azeotropes, all you have to know is that every time you pull out some ice chunks, the stuff left behind gets harder on your liver.

The resulting horrifically high proof rotgut is decanted into a bottle which was once upon a time a liter and a half of cheap white wine. The label, long since removed, has been replaced by a piece of crooked, poorly applied two inch wide masking tape on which the words "ROKIT FOOL" are scrawled with a chisel tip marker.

Rokit Fool burns just as readily as its namesake, and is just as hazardous to human well being. It also makes a decent herbicide.

Freeze distillation does not remove anything from the solution but water. Thus, Rokit Fool never tastes the same twice, and never tastes like anything humans are meant to consume. In fact, the heady mixture of concentrated gin, cheap vodka, light rum, tequila, and triple sec, all invariably cheap and miserable to begin with, is very often an intense exercise in gorge control, and the hangover is rumored to have been fatal on at least one occasion.

Rokit Fool, like any boutique distillation, has spawned a constellation of cocktails. You will note that the cocktails are not very imaginative, and without exception serve only one purpose.


Space Grog
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Three fingers of Rokit Fool
Top off with lemon flavored Gatorade
(Traditionally served in a red plastic cup)


Mullah Melon
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Three fingers of Rokit Fool
DeKuyper melon liqueur to taste
Serve on the rocks


The Calgon
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Three fingers of Rokit Fool
Three more fingers of Rokit Fool


The Kabul Wabul Margarita
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Prepare as per Cabo Wabo's reccommended margarita recipe
Substitute Rokit Fool for Cabo Wabo



This completely factual writeup takes you to THE BAD PLACE for Children of the Night: The 2012 Halloween Horrorquest.

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