Gov. BILL RICHARDSON: (very slowly, enunciating each word) Ladies and gentlemen, tonight, we are proud to welcome to the Fleet Center one of the greatest progressive leaders of our time. His rhetoric of empowerment and progressive change have riveted America for the past year, and tonight, we are pleased to bring him into our great tent. Ladies and gentlemen, sekicho.

(applause: sekicho takes the stage wearing a yukata, with a Kalashnikov slung over his shoulder)

sekicho: Thank you.

(applause continues)

WOLF BLITZER (v.o.): Clearly, the support for sekicho is strong in Boston tonight following his dramatic response to President Bush's State of the Union Address earlier this year. Larry, would you—

(sekicho abruptly starts firing the Kalashnikov into the air, sending balloon husks flying across the ceiling of the Fleet Center; Carl Cameron can be faintly heard screaming "JESUS!")

sekicho: SILENCE!

Thank you.

My fellow haters of freedom, tonight I stand before you not as a nominee, nor even as a presumptive nominee, nor even a halfassed wannabe candidate like Dennis Kucinich. Tonight, I stand before you a noder, a proud United Statesian, a white guy in a kimono with an assault rifle, the epitome of what America has come to stand for: idiocy, and sheep-like consent to ludicrous terms of living that would make the average Norwegian vomit herrings.


Thank you.

It has become clear to me, as it has become clear to many of you, that our only hope lies in electing the most patrician, least corrupt, most awkward candidate we can possibly find. And that is why I am proud to support John Ker

(riotous applause and cheering: sekicho fires into the ceiling again, sending Dave Winer tumbling down from the bloggers' roost)

Goddamnit, you stupid sons of whores, don't you fucking get a single fucking word I'm fucking saying?


George W. Bush is a fool, a bumbling chimp who only became president because of Saudi oil money and Halliburton and Enron and the Carlyle Group and Ann Coulter and Jesus Christ and Rupert Murdoch and Bill Clinton. He's no more fit to be president than the soiled loincloth that envelops my buttocks, and yet he stands on his podium as though he truly commands the respect of a nation that would seriously rather see him playing golf in Satan's pit of flames with Richard Nixon and Henry VIII.

Be that as it may, I do not speak tonight out of rage toward our current president, even though he's a total wanker who shouldn't have been president in the first place. I speak tonight because our party must define a new platform for the new century of culture wars, reality TV, and grown-up Olsen twins. It is not enough to speak of universal health care when the other side is speaking of jihad.

So this is what I propose to you, my fellow freedom haters.

First, that our party rediscover its roots, not as a purveyor of liberty and egalitarianism, but as a purveyor of sheer, awesome badassery. I deem this no longer the Democratic National Convention. I deem it the Assembly of Badass Motherfuckers!


Second, that we no longer play this old, trite, rhythm-deficient music. From this day forward, our convention will only play Wesley Willis, Rage Against The Machine, and G-Unit. And if you don't like it, you can try your luck with the Republicans.

Because third of all, we're going to trash everyone and everything that stands between us and defeating the jihad. And the first step is to destroy JOHN KERRY!

(sekicho levels his gun at the Massachusetts delegation and opens fire, spraying the convention floor with bullets and knocking the extended Kerry family to the ground. A brief silence. The convention crowd erupts in applause.)

I knew you all wanted that.

Now, we can go against Bush with the agenda that will actually defeat him! And I will show you the first crucial step...

(he gestures wildly with one hand: the curtain behind him drops, revealing a row of ballistic missiles in mobile launchers)



With missiles pointed at Washington, Crawford, Salt Lake City, and Boise, we are ready to obliterate the Republican menace for good, at the one time of the year when we're all in the same city on the other side of the country.

(the launchers begin elevating the missiles into the air)

The time is now! The die is cast!

(a loud roar is heard outside, and the roof of the Fleet Center explodes in an instant as fighter jets soar overhead: screaming throughout the building as delegates flee for their lives)

They think they destroy us so easily, but they only seal their own death warrant! For without a roof, the missiles can be launched!

(the first missile is fired)

Infidels! They will be obliterated like the fascist pigs—

(as the second missile is fired, the far wall of the Fleet Center goes up in flames)

Don't run! When you run, you only concede to them! You should all know that these missiles will melt the earth and sink this continent into the ground FOREVER!

(the arena is engulfed in fire and smoke as Boston collapses into the sea. France wins)

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