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Catholic high school is a tense, quiet orgy of repression. Nubile, kilt-clad bodies tightly meandering through shiny, ammonia-scrubbed hallways... Little silver crucifixes cradled by perky young breasts... What's that you're thinking about, boy? Get on your knees! Pray!

If Catholics had their way, only people that hatched from eggs would get to heaven. We all know why Jesus was so perfect, right? He arrived in that manger brand spankin' new, clean and perfect... without the benefit of dirty, messy, evil (whisper with me, everyone!) SEX.

In Catholic schools, sex is evil. Thinking about sex is evil. Masturbation is evil. Boys are led to believe that women are made in the Virgin Mary's image, and to defile that is evil. Girls aren't even told about sex, because their sweet little virgin ears just can't take it.

And then the bell rings and the skirts come flying off in all directions. God bless Catholic schools!

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